The Best of Times is Now

... I certainly don't feel like it.

But let me tell you why-

First off I should say that things are going amazingly well with Corey, my nephew is as cute as possible, I just had a fun trip to Martha's Vineyard, and I'm still alive. I'm very grateful for all of those things.

I think right now, though, I just feel a bit trapped. I'm not working on anything, I'm not doing anything, I don't have any money, and I don't have anywhere to go (besides Galloway... which I can't afford at the moment).

I need to feel creative and useful! Here's to hoping something comes along... I'm keeping my eyes open.

<3
Peace

My Own Little Schmemmy

... I wish.

I know I come here to vent a lot, but let's be honest- it's my party and I'll bitch if I want to.

So here's the thing: MSU is doing Chekhov's "The Seagull" in the fall. I know, the big name, Chekhov. Well, I was lucky enough to be called back for the part of Medvedenko. I will honestly and with all sincerity say that I always feel lucky to be offered a callback, and especially lucky to be cast- there are lots of people who don't get those opportunities.

Ok, the politics are over, let's dish. The GENIUS Chekhov, who is often preceded by his reputation of writing amazing plays with amazing characters, apparently wrote amazing characters for this play that are extremely deep and intricate... except Medvedenko. He is LITERALLY described quite often as being "mundane" and "simple". Medvedenko is also not a central character in the plot.

Which means, my dear readers, that once again I'm being considered for a simple, straight-forward, uncomplicated character who drifts on and offstage simply to give the central characters something to talk about while he's in his dressing room. Do you hear that, Tom Stoppard? I think the unparalleled character piece that was Richard Noakes in "Arcadia" might actually have competition for the most unnoticed character in a show.

My complaint, however, does not simply regard a callback for a character I haven't even read for, let alone been offered, but more the implication of what this says about me. Am I visible? When I audition, how is it that the first thing people think is, "Gee, he'd look great in a period costume backstage"? I know that I shouldn't poo-poo my opportunities, but seriously- could someone give me the chance to try something? Could I be given the opportunity to succeed or fall on my face once? I don't think I'm so hopeless that the only parts I could ever play are the ones that don't go onstage.

I know character actors are destined for this... but that is assuming that they are given characters. I would be happy with a small part that meant something or had some nice scenes, but so far in act one of the play, Medvedenko has told Masha that he kind of loves her, and his life sucks (in so many words), then he walked off and I'll be damned if he's not sitting in a chair in the greenroom watching "Philadelphia" on his laptop. I don't mean to sound like this is a part that's mine, because for all I know it's not even a close call for me. The problem I have is that I would really like the opportunity to do something onstage.

I am just as talented as the people who are given chances time and time again, and in many cases are not entirely successful. The fact is, if any of us were always successful, we wouldn't be doing college-level theater, we'd be out working. The PROBLEM is, some people are given a chance to hone their craft, and some people wear leafy vests and watch DVDs for two hours until curtain call.

During "Arcadia", I can count on one hand the number of notes I got that weren't regarding blocking. This is not because I am the next great American actor, it's because I read the script, saw the guy, and BOOM- there he was. It wasn't rocket science to figure out that the gardener hates the lady of the estate for insulting his work and constantly fights with her. And by constantly, I mean in the first and last ten minutes of the play. Sure, in between it's discussed by Septimus and Thomasina how Noakes is intricately involved in the revealing of Mrs. Chater's affair with Septimus, and how his steam engine is like the math, and blah blah blah... Is Noakes there to discuss it? No. His name is just a catalyst for discussion, and his presence, like Halley's Comet, is brief and rare.

I haven't finished "The Seagull" yet, but it's beginning to look like Medvedenko fills a similar role. Without Medvedenko to distract Masha from the fact that she can't have Konstantin, her plight would never be developed. So what's important is not that Medvedenko wants to be with Masha, it's that Masha wants to be with Konstantin and has to settle for Medvedenko. Getting the drift yet? Medvedenko's story isn't the roast duck drizzled in plum sauce, it's the plate it came on. And to me, the actor, it might look like delicate china with a flowery border in an ironic shade of "eggshell", but to the audience it's a white fucking plate.

I literally, on opening night, received a very touching, but honest card from my director of "Arcadia" that said, "You are proof that there are no small parts, just small actors". While this was extremely flattering and I am very appreciative of my director's comments, that statement is not entirely true. No small parts, just small actors? Great. Tell that to Jackie Hoffman.

You: Jackie who?
Me: exactly.

Anyway, I sincerely apologize. You know only half of this is honestly how I feel, and the other 20% is entirely embellishment. In all seriousness, I just want to be noticed. I want someone to see that I'm talented and give me the chance to prove it and to work on it. None of this is intended to offend anyone, it's just the silly opinions of a bitter, bitchy actor who probably has no business complaining. But it's my blog, right?

Here's to hoping "Sweeney Todd" pulls through... and don't get me started on "Sweet Charity" in the spring. (Really? "Sweet Charity" the year after "Side Show"?) Oy...

<3
Peace, Love, and Light... if I could only get a light on ME once in a while =P

Just Another Sign of the Times...

So here's the scoop on the week-

1- I am the worst friend ever and cannot attend Sylvannah's wedding in Las Vegas, and I am truly and deeply sorry. I wish her, Georgia, and her fiancee John only the best, and many happy years together.

2- I got a surprise text from Corey last night that for just train fare, I could go with him to see Mary Poppins on Broadway today through his camp job. So I got to see a pretty decent show and a very decent man in one day =)

3- In spite of the fact that I cannot be in Las Vegas this week, this does mean that I will be able to bake apple pie with Kathleen, see Jess and my amazing nephew (who now talks to me on the phone!), see Corey again, and get to go to Sunday dinner at Mima's ... Hear that, Corey? Sunday dinner? =D

Anyway, that's just a quick update. Now, I have to run and VOMIT because Cor couldn't talk me out of a ten piece chicken nugget combo at McDonald's today, and my body is reacting about the same way Lindsay did when she heard "90 days in prison" and not "90 days in Club Med". Let's just say there has been tears, disillusionment, and sorrow.

Wish me luck...

<3
Peace

Almost Forgot!

... And how could I?! I hope you like the new layout for the blog- I think it was overdue for a facelift (hear that, Whitney Houston?) so here's the new deal!

Let me know what you think!

<3
Peace

Crugs

This is going to be a relatively short post- I just wanted to stop in and say that as of July 3rd, Corey and I are officially in a relationship =)

All of the failed attempts at flirting, missed signals, successful attempts at flirting, observed signals, and eventually *crugs* paid off. I am beyond happy to have such a cute, quirky, like-minded, and overall amAZing person in my life, and I'm infinitely grateful.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and expressed congratulations! Never thought it would have been such a big deal, but I guess I'm just surrounded by a lot of unbelievable people.

On a side-note: Some websites I've been visiting that I would love to advocate-

- The website for the National Equality March. I hope there will be another one this year, because last year's was one of the most moving and unparalleled moments in my life.


http://equalityacrossamerica.org/blog/?page_id=19

- Broadway Impact's website- also related to the NEM, this grassroots campaign (started by Gavin Creel, Rory O'Malley, and Jenny Kanelos) is a response from the theatre community to the national campaign for marriage equality. Excellent group, give them a look!

http://www.broadwayimpact.com/

That's all for now. Again, thank you everyone for your well-wishes, it means a lot =)

<3
Peace

Let's Elaborate...

I couldn't stand the thought of someone from school happening upon my little blog and thinking that I was being completely disparaging about my professors in the acting program... that is, without furthering my point =)

I wanted to share some specific moments and thoughts that explain why I've been so hard on my professors so that people don't think I'm just some bitter, bad actor who's looking for an excuse. I know I'm a bad actor, but I need no excuses.

So let's start with an instance that occurred almost two years ago (ouch) when I was taking acting with one of the BFA Acting teachers. For all intents and purposes, let's call her "S". I was truly struggling in her class, and I mean STRUGGLING. I would go in not knowing what I was doing or where to start, and all she would ever say to me was "Go deeper, go deeper". Now, as a reader, you might be thinking, "But what does that MEAN, 'go deeper'?" If you are, GOOD- because that's exactly what I thought. It's much easier to say to someone "go deeper" than it is to sit down and discuss the block in the person's performing process.

After about two or three months of going into that blackbox twice per week and feeling like a complete failure, I wrote "S" an in-depth and desperate email explaining that I was lost and felt like I was a complete failure. She told me to come in for a meeting that following Monday, only to explain that all students go through that period of feeling lost, and I should stick it out... and the problem went unsolved, I continued to flounder.

The next semester, however, "S" went on sabbatical, and a substitute ("D") stepped in. "D" worked with us all on our "true voice", Alexander Technique, what I would later learn was "Substitution", and many other aspects of performance and exercises that clearly defined how to use our minds and bodies to become performers. Finally, structure! Understanding! Objective! It was like some acting fairy (and I think that's the only word you can use to truly describe "D") swooped in and showed me that I wasn't a lost cause, I just didn't have the right tools. "Go deeper" finally had meaning because I knew how to do it, and what it meant.

After the short-lived progress made in "D"'s class, I entered "J"'s class, only to feel, once again, like a complete failure and ignoramus. One week a performance was good, the next week the same performance was bad. No choices onstage were correct. Constant contradictions in technical explanations. Complete DISCARD of technical explanations. Absolutely no positive criticism. 45-minute discussions about the business of being a film actor... in a classical acting (aka- shakespeare) class. And I'm not saying those conversations aren't important, but when I'm supposed to be doing A Midsummer Night's Dream and we're talking about "The Wire", something's gone the way of the wind...

Once again, I lost all respect for my acting teacher- which leaves me with ONE acting teacher that made a positive impression on me... an adjunct. No teacher taught us about the method, or stanislovsky, which is what we were supposed to be learning. No teacher worked with us on basic technique or application of what we'd "learned". There were no lessons! Is this acting class? Am I paying $26,000.00 per year to be told "Go deeper"?

So when I say that I learned more in one semester with an adjunct and four days reading Uta Hagen's "Respect For Acting" than I did in a full year of classes with MSU's finest, I wish I could say I was kidding. Please don't get me wrong- they are nice people with the best intentions (most of the time) and I am not trying to imply that they aren't good people. I am saying, though, that masterclasses, structured curriculum, and a more explanatory process of what is going on the classroom when it is going on would be a great improvement.

I apologize if this all comes off as snotty, but reading the book made me so angry that these very basic techniques were simply breezed over. Even if they weren't intended as part of the curriculum, I feel that a teacher should be able to look at a student who is struggling and help them to find the best route to the best outcome, and I felt that I was thrown into the shark tank and told not to bleed. Acting is not mathematic, or even logical sometimes- it depends so heavily on the individual's response to so many things that when a student is not succeeding with the given technique, it only makes sense for the teacher to take a different approach with that student. I only wish that someone had pointed me in the right direction so that I could have started this process earlier.

So that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. No grudges, no anger, just some unfinished business that I felt I needed to explain and get off my chest. I'm going to keep reading Uta's books and write some of my thoughts here, and maybe even share a few thoughts from my personal journal. One of these days I promise I will write a light-hearted post...


<3
Peace

Wow...

I promise I'll be better about this! I know it's been a long time, but there hasn't been a lot going on to report about.

I did some temp work for an Allstate office in town, so I have a bit of spending money (which was MUCH needed), but the job hunt continues. I applied to the Gap today, so Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Chris Farley just better look out. I guess we'll see where that goes...

Corey and I are doing great, I'm very happy to say =) I wish we got to see each other more often, but I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm crossing my fingers that next week we'll be able to get together and spend some time watching movies and eating terrible (great) food... in pajamas.

I do have some stuff to write about regarding some acting exercises I've been doing to keep fresh and learn more- I want to take a class or something just to get more than the nut jobs at Montclair have to offer. I've been reading Uta Hagen's "Respect For Acting" (Why was this not a textbook????) and I've found it is HUGELY helpful in explaining all the shit that my acting teachers are apparently incapable of articulating. For a long time I thought it just wasn't possible to explain the techniques that they were trying to pass on to their students... as it turns out, it is in fact quite possible, and they just aren't very good teachers. Their lessons were just missing *actual* technique, explanation, and structure. If we'd been learning what Uta teaches in the order she explains it, I think Montclair's students would be far better off. Instead we get the indecisive, nondescript teachings of people whose knowledge I have no choice but to question. I'm not saying there's a recipe for good acting, but I am saying that if we had actual lessons and exercises, rather than just throwing us all in the deep end to sink or swim, we might have had a better shot at success. Sometimes I think they just don't want all of us to succeed, but that might just be my pessimism...

Anyway, I'm going to Liz's for movies and junk food (a common theme in my life, apparently...) so I'll be back to write again soon. You'd think with so much free time, I'd be able to write more, right? We'll see...

<3
Peace