So today I decided to be a little masochistic and look up my body type, which, of course, ended up being endomorphic. But the joke doesn't end there- here are a few choice quotes from the first description I found of an endomorph on a website I'll leave anonymous (my responses are in red):
"An endomorph body typically has the capacity for high fat storage, and unfortunately puts fat on pretty easily. Although all body types are susceptible to excessive weight gain, as an endomorph, you are more inclined to become obese."
Oh, lovely. I'm already feeling better about myself.
It goes on... "Structurally, as an endo, you have small to medium bones, limbs that are shorter in relation to your trunk, and musculature that is not well defined." aka- you're a little frail, but you make up for it in the lard you drag behind you. You have midget arms and man-boobs.
"Now for the good news." (You'll be paying for my therapy after I've read your website?) "From top to bottom, your soft swelling curves create full, rounded shoulders, limbs, and a full trunk." (I have arms and legs that look and feel like marshmallows and a fat ass... here's to 'good news')
"most males collect fat in their abdomen (the "spare tire" or "love handle" look). Many research studies have shown that abdominal fat deposition is much more dangerous than fat in the leg and butt area. This is primarily due to the danger of heart disease and an increased risk of diabetes, stroke, some cancers, and high blood pressure." (I will never get rid of this damn pocket of pizza and oreos I've got lodged across my stomach, and I'm at risk for a plethora of dangerous diseases, including one I've already got. Excellent- maybe tomorrow I could play hopscotch on the parkway or do a belly-flop off of Niagara Falls...)
"The key to taking the bad with the good and finding happiness with your body type is by balancing all aspects of your life." (It should be noted that there was no "consolation quote" at the end of the ectomorph or mesomorph sections... oy)
And my favorite quote of all, the piece-de-resistance:
"When you think "endomorph," think of Robin Williams and Oprah Winfrey."
If I didn't want to drive a screwdriver through my eye into my brain BEFORE that comment, I would certainly give it some serious thought now.
The mesomorphs are like "Sylvester Stallone and Demi Moore". The ectomorphs are like " Supermodels, Tom Hanks, and Courtney Cox".
Who am I like? A fat black woman and an alcoholic who just had fucking open-heart surgery. Good to know I've got something to look forward when I'm forty and OBESE.
All of this is obviously (to some extent) just a joke, and I thought you'd all get a kick out of it. Here's to the ladies who lunch, I guess I'll have to join them to keep up my "curvy figure".
<3
Peace
Joe (aka OPRAH'S FAT ASS)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I'm Spreading the News
I just had to put this up here.
This is the best version of "New York, New York" I have ever heard in my entire life. Liza's will always be my favorite, and that stealing son-of-a-bitch Frank Sinatra (not really, he's a great singer, and I'll give him that...) could never do it the same way...
This is the best version of "New York, New York" I have ever heard in my entire life. Liza's will always be my favorite, and that stealing son-of-a-bitch Frank Sinatra (not really, he's a great singer, and I'll give him that...) could never do it the same way...
The Best of Times is Now
... I certainly don't feel like it.
But let me tell you why-
First off I should say that things are going amazingly well with Corey, my nephew is as cute as possible, I just had a fun trip to Martha's Vineyard, and I'm still alive. I'm very grateful for all of those things.
I think right now, though, I just feel a bit trapped. I'm not working on anything, I'm not doing anything, I don't have any money, and I don't have anywhere to go (besides Galloway... which I can't afford at the moment).
I need to feel creative and useful! Here's to hoping something comes along... I'm keeping my eyes open.
<3
Peace
But let me tell you why-
First off I should say that things are going amazingly well with Corey, my nephew is as cute as possible, I just had a fun trip to Martha's Vineyard, and I'm still alive. I'm very grateful for all of those things.
I think right now, though, I just feel a bit trapped. I'm not working on anything, I'm not doing anything, I don't have any money, and I don't have anywhere to go (besides Galloway... which I can't afford at the moment).
I need to feel creative and useful! Here's to hoping something comes along... I'm keeping my eyes open.
<3
Peace
Thursday, July 15, 2010
My Own Little Schmemmy
... I wish.
I know I come here to vent a lot, but let's be honest- it's my party and I'll bitch if I want to.
So here's the thing: MSU is doing Chekhov's "The Seagull" in the fall. I know, the big name, Chekhov. Well, I was lucky enough to be called back for the part of Medvedenko. I will honestly and with all sincerity say that I always feel lucky to be offered a callback, and especially lucky to be cast- there are lots of people who don't get those opportunities.
Ok, the politics are over, let's dish. The GENIUS Chekhov, who is often preceded by his reputation of writing amazing plays with amazing characters, apparently wrote amazing characters for this play that are extremely deep and intricate... except Medvedenko. He is LITERALLY described quite often as being "mundane" and "simple". Medvedenko is also not a central character in the plot.
Which means, my dear readers, that once again I'm being considered for a simple, straight-forward, uncomplicated character who drifts on and offstage simply to give the central characters something to talk about while he's in his dressing room. Do you hear that, Tom Stoppard? I think the unparalleled character piece that was Richard Noakes in "Arcadia" might actually have competition for the most unnoticed character in a show.
My complaint, however, does not simply regard a callback for a character I haven't even read for, let alone been offered, but more the implication of what this says about me. Am I visible? When I audition, how is it that the first thing people think is, "Gee, he'd look great in a period costume backstage"? I know that I shouldn't poo-poo my opportunities, but seriously- could someone give me the chance to try something? Could I be given the opportunity to succeed or fall on my face once? I don't think I'm so hopeless that the only parts I could ever play are the ones that don't go onstage.
I know character actors are destined for this... but that is assuming that they are given characters. I would be happy with a small part that meant something or had some nice scenes, but so far in act one of the play, Medvedenko has told Masha that he kind of loves her, and his life sucks (in so many words), then he walked off and I'll be damned if he's not sitting in a chair in the greenroom watching "Philadelphia" on his laptop. I don't mean to sound like this is a part that's mine, because for all I know it's not even a close call for me. The problem I have is that I would really like the opportunity to do something onstage.
I am just as talented as the people who are given chances time and time again, and in many cases are not entirely successful. The fact is, if any of us were always successful, we wouldn't be doing college-level theater, we'd be out working. The PROBLEM is, some people are given a chance to hone their craft, and some people wear leafy vests and watch DVDs for two hours until curtain call.
During "Arcadia", I can count on one hand the number of notes I got that weren't regarding blocking. This is not because I am the next great American actor, it's because I read the script, saw the guy, and BOOM- there he was. It wasn't rocket science to figure out that the gardener hates the lady of the estate for insulting his work and constantly fights with her. And by constantly, I mean in the first and last ten minutes of the play. Sure, in between it's discussed by Septimus and Thomasina how Noakes is intricately involved in the revealing of Mrs. Chater's affair with Septimus, and how his steam engine is like the math, and blah blah blah... Is Noakes there to discuss it? No. His name is just a catalyst for discussion, and his presence, like Halley's Comet, is brief and rare.
I haven't finished "The Seagull" yet, but it's beginning to look like Medvedenko fills a similar role. Without Medvedenko to distract Masha from the fact that she can't have Konstantin, her plight would never be developed. So what's important is not that Medvedenko wants to be with Masha, it's that Masha wants to be with Konstantin and has to settle for Medvedenko. Getting the drift yet? Medvedenko's story isn't the roast duck drizzled in plum sauce, it's the plate it came on. And to me, the actor, it might look like delicate china with a flowery border in an ironic shade of "eggshell", but to the audience it's a white fucking plate.
I literally, on opening night, received a very touching, but honest card from my director of "Arcadia" that said, "You are proof that there are no small parts, just small actors". While this was extremely flattering and I am very appreciative of my director's comments, that statement is not entirely true. No small parts, just small actors? Great. Tell that to Jackie Hoffman.
You: Jackie who?
Me: exactly.
Anyway, I sincerely apologize. You know only half of this is honestly how I feel, and the other 20% is entirely embellishment. In all seriousness, I just want to be noticed. I want someone to see that I'm talented and give me the chance to prove it and to work on it. None of this is intended to offend anyone, it's just the silly opinions of a bitter, bitchy actor who probably has no business complaining. But it's my blog, right?
Here's to hoping "Sweeney Todd" pulls through... and don't get me started on "Sweet Charity" in the spring. (Really? "Sweet Charity" the year after "Side Show"?) Oy...
<3
Peace, Love, and Light... if I could only get a light on ME once in a while =P
I know I come here to vent a lot, but let's be honest- it's my party and I'll bitch if I want to.
So here's the thing: MSU is doing Chekhov's "The Seagull" in the fall. I know, the big name, Chekhov. Well, I was lucky enough to be called back for the part of Medvedenko. I will honestly and with all sincerity say that I always feel lucky to be offered a callback, and especially lucky to be cast- there are lots of people who don't get those opportunities.
Ok, the politics are over, let's dish. The GENIUS Chekhov, who is often preceded by his reputation of writing amazing plays with amazing characters, apparently wrote amazing characters for this play that are extremely deep and intricate... except Medvedenko. He is LITERALLY described quite often as being "mundane" and "simple". Medvedenko is also not a central character in the plot.
Which means, my dear readers, that once again I'm being considered for a simple, straight-forward, uncomplicated character who drifts on and offstage simply to give the central characters something to talk about while he's in his dressing room. Do you hear that, Tom Stoppard? I think the unparalleled character piece that was Richard Noakes in "Arcadia" might actually have competition for the most unnoticed character in a show.
My complaint, however, does not simply regard a callback for a character I haven't even read for, let alone been offered, but more the implication of what this says about me. Am I visible? When I audition, how is it that the first thing people think is, "Gee, he'd look great in a period costume backstage"? I know that I shouldn't poo-poo my opportunities, but seriously- could someone give me the chance to try something? Could I be given the opportunity to succeed or fall on my face once? I don't think I'm so hopeless that the only parts I could ever play are the ones that don't go onstage.
I know character actors are destined for this... but that is assuming that they are given characters. I would be happy with a small part that meant something or had some nice scenes, but so far in act one of the play, Medvedenko has told Masha that he kind of loves her, and his life sucks (in so many words), then he walked off and I'll be damned if he's not sitting in a chair in the greenroom watching "Philadelphia" on his laptop. I don't mean to sound like this is a part that's mine, because for all I know it's not even a close call for me. The problem I have is that I would really like the opportunity to do something onstage.
I am just as talented as the people who are given chances time and time again, and in many cases are not entirely successful. The fact is, if any of us were always successful, we wouldn't be doing college-level theater, we'd be out working. The PROBLEM is, some people are given a chance to hone their craft, and some people wear leafy vests and watch DVDs for two hours until curtain call.
During "Arcadia", I can count on one hand the number of notes I got that weren't regarding blocking. This is not because I am the next great American actor, it's because I read the script, saw the guy, and BOOM- there he was. It wasn't rocket science to figure out that the gardener hates the lady of the estate for insulting his work and constantly fights with her. And by constantly, I mean in the first and last ten minutes of the play. Sure, in between it's discussed by Septimus and Thomasina how Noakes is intricately involved in the revealing of Mrs. Chater's affair with Septimus, and how his steam engine is like the math, and blah blah blah... Is Noakes there to discuss it? No. His name is just a catalyst for discussion, and his presence, like Halley's Comet, is brief and rare.
I haven't finished "The Seagull" yet, but it's beginning to look like Medvedenko fills a similar role. Without Medvedenko to distract Masha from the fact that she can't have Konstantin, her plight would never be developed. So what's important is not that Medvedenko wants to be with Masha, it's that Masha wants to be with Konstantin and has to settle for Medvedenko. Getting the drift yet? Medvedenko's story isn't the roast duck drizzled in plum sauce, it's the plate it came on. And to me, the actor, it might look like delicate china with a flowery border in an ironic shade of "eggshell", but to the audience it's a white fucking plate.
I literally, on opening night, received a very touching, but honest card from my director of "Arcadia" that said, "You are proof that there are no small parts, just small actors". While this was extremely flattering and I am very appreciative of my director's comments, that statement is not entirely true. No small parts, just small actors? Great. Tell that to Jackie Hoffman.
You: Jackie who?
Me: exactly.
Anyway, I sincerely apologize. You know only half of this is honestly how I feel, and the other 20% is entirely embellishment. In all seriousness, I just want to be noticed. I want someone to see that I'm talented and give me the chance to prove it and to work on it. None of this is intended to offend anyone, it's just the silly opinions of a bitter, bitchy actor who probably has no business complaining. But it's my blog, right?
Here's to hoping "Sweeney Todd" pulls through... and don't get me started on "Sweet Charity" in the spring. (Really? "Sweet Charity" the year after "Side Show"?) Oy...
<3
Peace, Love, and Light... if I could only get a light on ME once in a while =P
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Just Another Sign of the Times...
So here's the scoop on the week-
1- I am the worst friend ever and cannot attend Sylvannah's wedding in Las Vegas, and I am truly and deeply sorry. I wish her, Georgia, and her fiancee John only the best, and many happy years together.
2- I got a surprise text from Corey last night that for just train fare, I could go with him to see Mary Poppins on Broadway today through his camp job. So I got to see a pretty decent show and a very decent man in one day =)
3- In spite of the fact that I cannot be in Las Vegas this week, this does mean that I will be able to bake apple pie with Kathleen, see Jess and my amazing nephew (who now talks to me on the phone!), see Corey again, and get to go to Sunday dinner at Mima's ... Hear that, Corey? Sunday dinner? =D
Anyway, that's just a quick update. Now, I have to run and VOMIT because Cor couldn't talk me out of a ten piece chicken nugget combo at McDonald's today, and my body is reacting about the same way Lindsay did when she heard "90 days in prison" and not "90 days in Club Med". Let's just say there has been tears, disillusionment, and sorrow.
Wish me luck...
<3
Peace
1- I am the worst friend ever and cannot attend Sylvannah's wedding in Las Vegas, and I am truly and deeply sorry. I wish her, Georgia, and her fiancee John only the best, and many happy years together.
2- I got a surprise text from Corey last night that for just train fare, I could go with him to see Mary Poppins on Broadway today through his camp job. So I got to see a pretty decent show and a very decent man in one day =)
3- In spite of the fact that I cannot be in Las Vegas this week, this does mean that I will be able to bake apple pie with Kathleen, see Jess and my amazing nephew (who now talks to me on the phone!), see Corey again, and get to go to Sunday dinner at Mima's ... Hear that, Corey? Sunday dinner? =D
Anyway, that's just a quick update. Now, I have to run and VOMIT because Cor couldn't talk me out of a ten piece chicken nugget combo at McDonald's today, and my body is reacting about the same way Lindsay did when she heard "90 days in prison" and not "90 days in Club Med". Let's just say there has been tears, disillusionment, and sorrow.
Wish me luck...
<3
Peace
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Almost Forgot!
... And how could I?! I hope you like the new layout for the blog- I think it was overdue for a facelift (hear that, Whitney Houston?) so here's the new deal!
Let me know what you think!
<3
Peace
Let me know what you think!
<3
Peace
Crugs
This is going to be a relatively short post- I just wanted to stop in and say that as of July 3rd, Corey and I are officially in a relationship =)
All of the failed attempts at flirting, missed signals, successful attempts at flirting, observed signals, and eventually *crugs* paid off. I am beyond happy to have such a cute, quirky, like-minded, and overall amAZing person in my life, and I'm infinitely grateful.
Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and expressed congratulations! Never thought it would have been such a big deal, but I guess I'm just surrounded by a lot of unbelievable people.
On a side-note: Some websites I've been visiting that I would love to advocate-
- The website for the National Equality March. I hope there will be another one this year, because last year's was one of the most moving and unparalleled moments in my life.
http://equalityacrossamerica.org/blog/?page_id=19
- Broadway Impact's website- also related to the NEM, this grassroots campaign (started by Gavin Creel, Rory O'Malley, and Jenny Kanelos) is a response from the theatre community to the national campaign for marriage equality. Excellent group, give them a look!
http://www.broadwayimpact.com/
That's all for now. Again, thank you everyone for your well-wishes, it means a lot =)
<3
Peace
All of the failed attempts at flirting, missed signals, successful attempts at flirting, observed signals, and eventually *crugs* paid off. I am beyond happy to have such a cute, quirky, like-minded, and overall amAZing person in my life, and I'm infinitely grateful.
Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and expressed congratulations! Never thought it would have been such a big deal, but I guess I'm just surrounded by a lot of unbelievable people.
On a side-note: Some websites I've been visiting that I would love to advocate-
- The website for the National Equality March. I hope there will be another one this year, because last year's was one of the most moving and unparalleled moments in my life.
http://equalityacrossamerica.org/blog/?page_id=19
- Broadway Impact's website- also related to the NEM, this grassroots campaign (started by Gavin Creel, Rory O'Malley, and Jenny Kanelos) is a response from the theatre community to the national campaign for marriage equality. Excellent group, give them a look!
http://www.broadwayimpact.com/
That's all for now. Again, thank you everyone for your well-wishes, it means a lot =)
<3
Peace
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