Everyone Can Suck It!

A quote from one of the best, Kathy =)

Just a couple funny anecdotes from today:

1- I went to the Public Library to see if they had a copy of "The Seagull" since I haven't finished reading it. Mind you, I worked at the library when I was 15 for almost a year, was no stranger to the premises, and even went to school with the librarian's son. I also had a book in my possession (not on my person, but in my possession) that had been overdue since, well, 2005. "The Complete Works of Jane Austen" was not only a book I never read for my Senior AP English class in high school, but was a prized possession that I kept on my bookshelf, seeing as I hadn't gotten a notice from the library asking for their money.

Over the years, the book moved from the top shelf of my bookcase to the second, then to the third, until one day it sat, lonely, at the bottom near the Bible and some Nicholas Sparks novels. It's presence, although somewhat forgotten, was not so lost to me that I would not be able to tell you where it was. And when Mrs. Wu pointed out that I owed her $21.50, that information became exponentially more valuable. I handed her the little brick of a thing, and she told me that since I returned it, I would only have to pay $7.25. Unfortunately (aw, shucks) I didn't have cash on me, and they don't take cards (no pun intended), so I would have to return with the money. Now, I am not a terribly dishonest person, but for $7.25, I could probably buy a copy of "The Seagull", and I wasn't going to give them seven dollars for a book they weren't missing enough to come get. Sorry, Mrs. Wu, this might be goodbye forever.

2- The point of this post, and the reason it's called "Everyone Can Suck It!" is that I have found myself in a very small, insignificant little Kathy Griffin situation. I was up until an un-Godly hour last night, and in an attempt to entertain myself I was cruising facebook. There happened to be a commercial on in the background for the new movie "Charlie St. Cloud". Now, it should be noted that I am not even slightly interested in this movie, Zac Efron, or playing catch with dead children. Especially the Zac Efron part. So I made a comment on my facebook that went a little something like this,

"Apparently, every evening Zac Efron plays catch with his dead brother. I'm glad to hear he spends time being entertained by a lifeless 10-year-old because now he knows how we feel when we have to sit through his movies."

 I know, it's not even my best work! But the point is, I couldn't care less about Zac Efron or his movies- so much so that I have never even truly seen one, with the exception of Hairspray, in which he was... well, whatever. So I made a silly little joke. No biggie, right?

Well, the responses I got were mixed, but a couple people were actually offended! One girl wrote, "wowww that was a bit harsh lol.. he's a great actor." I'm sorry, a what? Another friend who makes dead baby jokes and has a sense of humor possibly more inappropriate than mine (a quality I admire, I should add) said "haha burn... i dunno tho maybe it'll b good..." I also kind of find it funny that in internet slang these days you can add an apostrophe in "it'll" but leave the "e" out of "be". I've never really understood all that stuff though. And yet another person (who's said maybe ten words to me the entire time I've known him) said "mean =[".

Am I in the twilight zone, or is it the international "Can't-Take-a-Joke" day? The comment was obviously me just playing off of what, I think, is a sort of silly concept for a movie with someone who is obviously playing beyond his abilities (at least at this point in his career).

Like I said, it's not a big deal at all, it's not some huge controversy. But I thought it was funny, because this was my first taste of a joke really flopping on a broad scale. I guess the next time we'll see something like that is at the "Charlie St. Cloud" premier...

<3
Peace

Confuscious Says...

... Some days you're the 1,000 pound man, some days you're the toilet bowl.

<3
Peace

The Tale of the Egg

I realized that I have a lot things I've never posted here. I have some writing- poetry, short stories, and satires, as well as pictures and things that I've just never posted. I might make some separate pages for media and creative writing, but for now I'll just enter them as posts.

This first poem is one that I wrote quite a while ago, but for some reason I'm very proud of it. Feel free to comment =)

<3
Peace

The Tale of the Egg

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

First off, why is he sitting on a wall?

We are never given reason,

Or, if you'll forgive the pun,

Rhyme,

As to why this friendless

And forgotten egg

Is perched absent-mindedly on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Was this some fateful accident or 

Are we to believe that

Poor Dumpty,

Or Humpty,

Took his life by choice?

This Frail,

White,

And fragile boy (or man, I suppose)

Simply propelled himself

Determinably

Toward the ground 

In order to lay himself to eternal rest?

Why is he so upset?

One might argue that he is an egg,

Predetermined by his human predecessors

To feed and nourish

Possibly

Less honorable

Men.

If this is the case, perhaps

He chose to end his life in an act of defiance-

Cutting off his nose

To spite

His master's face.

Or perhaps there is unwritten

Subtext.

Perhaps a Misses Dumpty,

Or Mister, for all we know.

Maybe it is a broken heart,

Unrequited

Or faded love

That drove Humpty,

Or Dumpty,

To his own dishonorable discharge.

Imagine,

He's left behind several hatchlings,

That one day only be met with

Stares of fear

And sympathy. 

"Do you see those eggs?"

One might ask,

"Those are the Dumpty kids- poor souls."

And all the King's horses, and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Well it's obviously silly to me-

Perhaps it was the use of horses?

I couldn't imagine

That they would be very efficient

In re-piecing an egg

(Or, for that matter, any other broken man)

Could you see them

Clomping their dull hooves together

In a desperate attempt

To save the poor rudiment?

Alas, their clicking and clacking

Only crushing the shells farther

Into white pieces that

Sprinkle the ground like snow.

Their mares questioning,

"Darling, is something wrong?"

The lack of response

Is misinterpreted as a further disengagement,

The very cause of their ailing marriage.

The horses would lose their beauties

And their calves-

Possibly finding a wall of their own;

A morbid continuation of the cycle.

And the men sent by the King

Are of no use either.

Why is this egg so important as to

Attract the attention of royalty?

Was he the King's breakfast-

A poached prisoner

Who scrambled to find his own

Sunny side of the universe?

Perhaps there is more subtext than we might have thought-

Is it possible

The King- in a hungry rage-

Allowed,

Or rather ordered

The men and horses to

Feign horror and assistance,

Their passive actions causing the inevitable

Termination of our ovoid hero?

Was it vengeance

Inspired by abandonment in a time of

Required sustenance?

The whole thing seems fishy to me.

However,

In the end, it seems pointless.

There is no proof of villainy

Or treachery-

No proof of malicious intent,

Or of purposeful neglect

By medical officials in the Kingdom of the Carton.

There is only a story-

A short, possibly metaphoric blurb

About a troubled egg

That is broken

And irreparable.

I think, sometimes,

That I'm a Humpty Dumpty.

I am broken by vengeance

And love,

And the King's men laugh

And point,

Clicking and clacking until,

Like snow,

I cover the Earth

And melt away.

How's that for symbolism, Mother Goose?

 

Papa, Can You Hear Me???

Direct quote of the night:

"Who follows your blog???"- Kevin D'Angio.

Apparently not Kevin.

<3
Peace

Ring-Dings! The Witch is Dead... Or Will Be By Age 50

So today I decided to be a little masochistic and look up my body type, which, of course, ended up being endomorphic. But the joke doesn't end there- here are a few choice quotes from the first description I found of an endomorph on a website I'll leave anonymous (my responses are in red):

"An endomorph body typically has the capacity for high fat storage, and unfortunately puts fat on pretty easily. Although all body types are susceptible to excessive weight gain, as an endomorph, you are more inclined to become obese."


Oh, lovely. I'm already feeling better about myself.

It goes on... "Structurally, as an endo, you have small to medium bones, limbs that are shorter in relation to your trunk, and musculature that is not well defined." aka- you're a little frail, but you make up for it in the lard you drag behind you. You have midget arms and man-boobs.

"Now for the good news." (You'll be paying for my therapy after I've read your website?) "From top to bottom, your soft swelling curves create full, rounded shoulders, limbs, and a full trunk." (I have arms and legs that look and feel like marshmallows and a fat ass... here's to 'good news')

"most males collect fat in their abdomen (the "spare tire" or "love handle" look). Many research studies have shown that abdominal fat deposition is much more dangerous than fat in the leg and butt area. This is primarily due to the danger of heart disease and an increased risk of diabetes, stroke, some cancers, and high blood  pressure." (I will never get rid of this damn pocket of pizza and oreos I've got lodged across my stomach, and I'm at risk for a plethora of dangerous diseases, including one I've already got. Excellent- maybe tomorrow I could play hopscotch on the parkway or do a belly-flop off of Niagara Falls...)

"The key to taking the bad with the good and finding happiness with your body type is by balancing all aspects of your life." (It should be noted that there was no "consolation quote" at the end of the ectomorph or mesomorph sections... oy)

And my favorite quote of all, the piece-de-resistance:

"When you think "endomorph," think of Robin Williams and Oprah Winfrey."

If I didn't want to drive a screwdriver through my eye into my brain BEFORE that comment, I would certainly give it some serious thought now.

The mesomorphs are like "Sylvester Stallone and Demi Moore". The ectomorphs are like " Supermodels, Tom Hanks, and Courtney Cox".

Who am I like? A fat black woman and an alcoholic who just had fucking open-heart surgery. Good to know I've got something to look forward when I'm forty and OBESE.

All of this is obviously (to some extent) just a joke, and I thought you'd all get a kick out of it. Here's to the ladies who lunch, I guess I'll have to join them to keep up my "curvy figure".

<3
Peace

Joe (aka OPRAH'S FAT ASS)

I'm Spreading the News

I just had to put this up here.

This is the best version of "New York, New York" I have ever heard in my entire life. Liza's will always be my favorite, and that stealing son-of-a-bitch Frank Sinatra (not really, he's a great singer, and I'll give him that...) could never do it the same way...

The Best of Times is Now

... I certainly don't feel like it.

But let me tell you why-

First off I should say that things are going amazingly well with Corey, my nephew is as cute as possible, I just had a fun trip to Martha's Vineyard, and I'm still alive. I'm very grateful for all of those things.

I think right now, though, I just feel a bit trapped. I'm not working on anything, I'm not doing anything, I don't have any money, and I don't have anywhere to go (besides Galloway... which I can't afford at the moment).

I need to feel creative and useful! Here's to hoping something comes along... I'm keeping my eyes open.

<3
Peace