I'm exhausted- today was a very long day, with a lot going on. But I wanted to write a short blurb (ok, you know it's gonna be three pages long now) about my experience at rehearsal for Sweeney tonight.
This summer I felt so little validation. I was starting to feel like no one could see me- between everything that happened romantically, being rejected from Mount Washington, and overall feeling like I was a little invisible, I just couldn't stand the idea that I was like a ghost to so many people.
I know that my family and my close friends never allow me to go unnoticed, but I felt like onstage, offstage- it was all just like I was making it by the skin of my teeth. Tonight, though, I felt like my life has done a complete "180".
I have really committed to Sweeney. The whole process has just been so much fun for me- I'm learning every day about myself as a performer, and I've really allowed myself to make bold choices and to continue to grow onstage. I've embraced my character and done some really hard work. The point is, though, that over the last couple weeks I have spent serious time improving my skills as an actor, and I can see it paying off in the rehearsal room. I'm finally feeling like I'm doing great work, and the truth is that I've gotten a lot of positive feedback. People have been telling me how much they appreciate my work, how creepy I am, etc. And it's been so gratifying.
Tonight we ran the first act of the show for the first time all the way through. I felt so connected to my character, even when I felt like I was making choices that could go differently, I was making them as my character. At the end of the run, Jodi (the director, who has been so supportive and amazing) was giving notes, and actually took the time to make a statement about me. I can't remember the exact words verbatim, but she said to the whole company, "The thing I appreciate about his work is that I gave him this crazy, totally new take on this character and he's living in it. I can see when he's onstage that his brain is working, but as his character, and he's making choices. I appreciate that."
It's such a small comment, but as I'm sitting here getting ready for bed and letting it sink in, I'm so moved by the fact that she would take the time to let me know that she appreciates my hard work. It makes me want to work harder and go even farther with this amazing character. I've been so blessed with this opportunity, and I'm so grateful that apparently this little window into my crazy mind is some sort of vessel for the universe to help me find what I need.
Things are not perfect (are they ever?) but they are something so much better than perfect. I'm so grateful to be working on a project I'm passionate about. I'm humbled that someone is appreciating my hard work. I'm grateful to my amazing cast and crew for their hard work and support, and I'm so excited to be going through all of this with all of them. I haven't had such an amazing experience this far in my life onstage, and I'm just basking in it. Let the sunshine in =)
<3
Peace
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