Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Everyone Can Suck It!

A quote from one of the best, Kathy =)

Just a couple funny anecdotes from today:

1- I went to the Public Library to see if they had a copy of "The Seagull" since I haven't finished reading it. Mind you, I worked at the library when I was 15 for almost a year, was no stranger to the premises, and even went to school with the librarian's son. I also had a book in my possession (not on my person, but in my possession) that had been overdue since, well, 2005. "The Complete Works of Jane Austen" was not only a book I never read for my Senior AP English class in high school, but was a prized possession that I kept on my bookshelf, seeing as I hadn't gotten a notice from the library asking for their money.

Over the years, the book moved from the top shelf of my bookcase to the second, then to the third, until one day it sat, lonely, at the bottom near the Bible and some Nicholas Sparks novels. It's presence, although somewhat forgotten, was not so lost to me that I would not be able to tell you where it was. And when Mrs. Wu pointed out that I owed her $21.50, that information became exponentially more valuable. I handed her the little brick of a thing, and she told me that since I returned it, I would only have to pay $7.25. Unfortunately (aw, shucks) I didn't have cash on me, and they don't take cards (no pun intended), so I would have to return with the money. Now, I am not a terribly dishonest person, but for $7.25, I could probably buy a copy of "The Seagull", and I wasn't going to give them seven dollars for a book they weren't missing enough to come get. Sorry, Mrs. Wu, this might be goodbye forever.

2- The point of this post, and the reason it's called "Everyone Can Suck It!" is that I have found myself in a very small, insignificant little Kathy Griffin situation. I was up until an un-Godly hour last night, and in an attempt to entertain myself I was cruising facebook. There happened to be a commercial on in the background for the new movie "Charlie St. Cloud". Now, it should be noted that I am not even slightly interested in this movie, Zac Efron, or playing catch with dead children. Especially the Zac Efron part. So I made a comment on my facebook that went a little something like this,

"Apparently, every evening Zac Efron plays catch with his dead brother. I'm glad to hear he spends time being entertained by a lifeless 10-year-old because now he knows how we feel when we have to sit through his movies."

 I know, it's not even my best work! But the point is, I couldn't care less about Zac Efron or his movies- so much so that I have never even truly seen one, with the exception of Hairspray, in which he was... well, whatever. So I made a silly little joke. No biggie, right?

Well, the responses I got were mixed, but a couple people were actually offended! One girl wrote, "wowww that was a bit harsh lol.. he's a great actor." I'm sorry, a what? Another friend who makes dead baby jokes and has a sense of humor possibly more inappropriate than mine (a quality I admire, I should add) said "haha burn... i dunno tho maybe it'll b good..." I also kind of find it funny that in internet slang these days you can add an apostrophe in "it'll" but leave the "e" out of "be". I've never really understood all that stuff though. And yet another person (who's said maybe ten words to me the entire time I've known him) said "mean =[".

Am I in the twilight zone, or is it the international "Can't-Take-a-Joke" day? The comment was obviously me just playing off of what, I think, is a sort of silly concept for a movie with someone who is obviously playing beyond his abilities (at least at this point in his career).

Like I said, it's not a big deal at all, it's not some huge controversy. But I thought it was funny, because this was my first taste of a joke really flopping on a broad scale. I guess the next time we'll see something like that is at the "Charlie St. Cloud" premier...


Saturday, July 24, 2010

Confuscious Says...

... Some days you're the 1,000 pound man, some days you're the toilet bowl.


Friday, July 23, 2010

The Tale of the Egg

I realized that I have a lot things I've never posted here. I have some writing- poetry, short stories, and satires, as well as pictures and things that I've just never posted. I might make some separate pages for media and creative writing, but for now I'll just enter them as posts.

This first poem is one that I wrote quite a while ago, but for some reason I'm very proud of it. Feel free to comment =)


The Tale of the Egg

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
First off, why is he sitting on a wall?
We are never given reason,
Or, if you'll forgive the pun,
As to why this friendless
And forgotten egg
Is perched absent-mindedly on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Was this some fateful accident or 
Are we to believe that
Poor Dumpty,
Or Humpty,
Took his life by choice?
This Frail,
And fragile boy (or man, I suppose)
Simply propelled himself
Toward the ground 
In order to lay himself to eternal rest?

Why is he so upset?
One might argue that he is an egg,
Predetermined by his human predecessors
To feed and nourish
Less honorable
If this is the case, perhaps
He chose to end his life in an act of defiance-
Cutting off his nose
To spite
His master's face.

Or perhaps there is unwritten
Perhaps a Misses Dumpty,
Or Mister, for all we know.
Maybe it is a broken heart,
Or faded love
That drove Humpty,
Or Dumpty,
To his own dishonorable discharge.

He's left behind several hatchlings,
That one day only be met with
Stares of fear
And sympathy. 
"Do you see those eggs?"
One might ask,
"Those are the Dumpty kids- poor souls."

And all the King's horses, and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
Well it's obviously silly to me-
Perhaps it was the use of horses?
I couldn't imagine
That they would be very efficient
In re-piecing an egg
(Or, for that matter, any other broken man)
Could you see them
Clomping their dull hooves together
In a desperate attempt
To save the poor rudiment?
Alas, their clicking and clacking
Only crushing the shells farther
Into white pieces that
Sprinkle the ground like snow.
Their mares questioning,
"Darling, is something wrong?"
The lack of response
Is misinterpreted as a further disengagement,
The very cause of their ailing marriage.
The horses would lose their beauties
And their calves-
Possibly finding a wall of their own;
A morbid continuation of the cycle.

And the men sent by the King
Are of no use either.
Why is this egg so important as to
Attract the attention of royalty?
Was he the King's breakfast-
A poached prisoner
Who scrambled to find his own
Sunny side of the universe?

Perhaps there is more subtext than we might have thought-
Is it possible
The King- in a hungry rage-
Or rather ordered
The men and horses to
Feign horror and assistance,
Their passive actions causing the inevitable
Termination of our ovoid hero?
Was it vengeance
Inspired by abandonment in a time of
Required sustenance?
The whole thing seems fishy to me.

In the end, it seems pointless.
There is no proof of villainy
Or treachery-
No proof of malicious intent,
Or of purposeful neglect
By medical officials in the Kingdom of the Carton.
There is only a story-
A short, possibly metaphoric blurb
About a troubled egg
That is broken
And irreparable.

I think, sometimes,
That I'm a Humpty Dumpty.
I am broken by vengeance
And love,
And the King's men laugh
And point,
Clicking and clacking until,
Like snow,
I cover the Earth
And melt away.
How's that for symbolism, Mother Goose?


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Papa, Can You Hear Me???

Direct quote of the night:

"Who follows your blog???"- Kevin D'Angio.

Apparently not Kevin.


Ring-Dings! The Witch is Dead... Or Will Be By Age 50

So today I decided to be a little masochistic and look up my body type, which, of course, ended up being endomorphic. But the joke doesn't end there- here are a few choice quotes from the first description I found of an endomorph on a website I'll leave anonymous (my responses are in red):

"An endomorph body typically has the capacity for high fat storage, and unfortunately puts fat on pretty easily. Although all body types are susceptible to excessive weight gain, as an endomorph, you are more inclined to become obese."

Oh, lovely. I'm already feeling better about myself.

It goes on... "Structurally, as an endo, you have small to medium bones, limbs that are shorter in relation to your trunk, and musculature that is not well defined." aka- you're a little frail, but you make up for it in the lard you drag behind you. You have midget arms and man-boobs.

"Now for the good news." (You'll be paying for my therapy after I've read your website?) "From top to bottom, your soft swelling curves create full, rounded shoulders, limbs, and a full trunk." (I have arms and legs that look and feel like marshmallows and a fat ass... here's to 'good news')

"most males collect fat in their abdomen (the "spare tire" or "love handle" look). Many research studies have shown that abdominal fat deposition is much more dangerous than fat in the leg and butt area. This is primarily due to the danger of heart disease and an increased risk of diabetes, stroke, some cancers, and high blood  pressure." (I will never get rid of this damn pocket of pizza and oreos I've got lodged across my stomach, and I'm at risk for a plethora of dangerous diseases, including one I've already got. Excellent- maybe tomorrow I could play hopscotch on the parkway or do a belly-flop off of Niagara Falls...)

"The key to taking the bad with the good and finding happiness with your body type is by balancing all aspects of your life." (It should be noted that there was no "consolation quote" at the end of the ectomorph or mesomorph sections... oy)

And my favorite quote of all, the piece-de-resistance:

"When you think "endomorph," think of Robin Williams and Oprah Winfrey."

If I didn't want to drive a screwdriver through my eye into my brain BEFORE that comment, I would certainly give it some serious thought now.

The mesomorphs are like "Sylvester Stallone and Demi Moore". The ectomorphs are like " Supermodels, Tom Hanks, and Courtney Cox".

Who am I like? A fat black woman and an alcoholic who just had fucking open-heart surgery. Good to know I've got something to look forward when I'm forty and OBESE.

All of this is obviously (to some extent) just a joke, and I thought you'd all get a kick out of it. Here's to the ladies who lunch, I guess I'll have to join them to keep up my "curvy figure".



Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I'm Spreading the News

I just had to put this up here.

This is the best version of "New York, New York" I have ever heard in my entire life. Liza's will always be my favorite, and that stealing son-of-a-bitch Frank Sinatra (not really, he's a great singer, and I'll give him that...) could never do it the same way...

The Best of Times is Now

... I certainly don't feel like it.

But let me tell you why-

First off I should say that things are going amazingly well with Corey, my nephew is as cute as possible, I just had a fun trip to Martha's Vineyard, and I'm still alive. I'm very grateful for all of those things.

I think right now, though, I just feel a bit trapped. I'm not working on anything, I'm not doing anything, I don't have any money, and I don't have anywhere to go (besides Galloway... which I can't afford at the moment).

I need to feel creative and useful! Here's to hoping something comes along... I'm keeping my eyes open.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

My Own Little Schmemmy

... I wish.

I know I come here to vent a lot, but let's be honest- it's my party and I'll bitch if I want to.

So here's the thing: MSU is doing Chekhov's "The Seagull" in the fall. I know, the big name, Chekhov. Well, I was lucky enough to be called back for the part of Medvedenko. I will honestly and with all sincerity say that I always feel lucky to be offered a callback, and especially lucky to be cast- there are lots of people who don't get those opportunities.

Ok, the politics are over, let's dish. The GENIUS Chekhov, who is often preceded by his reputation of writing amazing plays with amazing characters, apparently wrote amazing characters for this play that are extremely deep and intricate... except Medvedenko. He is LITERALLY described quite often as being "mundane" and "simple". Medvedenko is also not a central character in the plot.

Which means, my dear readers, that once again I'm being considered for a simple, straight-forward, uncomplicated character who drifts on and offstage simply to give the central characters something to talk about while he's in his dressing room. Do you hear that, Tom Stoppard? I think the unparalleled character piece that was Richard Noakes in "Arcadia" might actually have competition for the most unnoticed character in a show.

My complaint, however, does not simply regard a callback for a character I haven't even read for, let alone been offered, but more the implication of what this says about me. Am I visible? When I audition, how is it that the first thing people think is, "Gee, he'd look great in a period costume backstage"? I know that I shouldn't poo-poo my opportunities, but seriously- could someone give me the chance to try something? Could I be given the opportunity to succeed or fall on my face once? I don't think I'm so hopeless that the only parts I could ever play are the ones that don't go onstage.

I know character actors are destined for this... but that is assuming that they are given characters. I would be happy with a small part that meant something or had some nice scenes, but so far in act one of the play, Medvedenko has told Masha that he kind of loves her, and his life sucks (in so many words), then he walked off and I'll be damned if he's not sitting in a chair in the greenroom watching "Philadelphia" on his laptop. I don't mean to sound like this is a part that's mine, because for all I know it's not even a close call for me. The problem I have is that I would really like the opportunity to do something onstage.

I am just as talented as the people who are given chances time and time again, and in many cases are not entirely successful. The fact is, if any of us were always successful, we wouldn't be doing college-level theater, we'd be out working. The PROBLEM is, some people are given a chance to hone their craft, and some people wear leafy vests and watch DVDs for two hours until curtain call.

During "Arcadia", I can count on one hand the number of notes I got that weren't regarding blocking. This is not because I am the next great American actor, it's because I read the script, saw the guy, and BOOM- there he was. It wasn't rocket science to figure out that the gardener hates the lady of the estate for insulting his work and constantly fights with her. And by constantly, I mean in the first and last ten minutes of the play. Sure, in between it's discussed by Septimus and Thomasina how Noakes is intricately involved in the revealing of Mrs. Chater's affair with Septimus, and how his steam engine is like the math, and blah blah blah... Is Noakes there to discuss it? No. His name is just a catalyst for discussion, and his presence, like Halley's Comet, is brief and rare.

I haven't finished "The Seagull" yet, but it's beginning to look like Medvedenko fills a similar role. Without Medvedenko to distract Masha from the fact that she can't have Konstantin, her plight would never be developed. So what's important is not that Medvedenko wants to be with Masha, it's that Masha wants to be with Konstantin and has to settle for Medvedenko. Getting the drift yet? Medvedenko's story isn't the roast duck drizzled in plum sauce, it's the plate it came on. And to me, the actor, it might look like delicate china with a flowery border in an ironic shade of "eggshell", but to the audience it's a white fucking plate.

I literally, on opening night, received a very touching, but honest card from my director of "Arcadia" that said, "You are proof that there are no small parts, just small actors". While this was extremely flattering and I am very appreciative of my director's comments, that statement is not entirely true. No small parts, just small actors? Great. Tell that to Jackie Hoffman.

You: Jackie who?
Me: exactly.

Anyway, I sincerely apologize. You know only half of this is honestly how I feel, and the other 20% is entirely embellishment. In all seriousness, I just want to be noticed. I want someone to see that I'm talented and give me the chance to prove it and to work on it. None of this is intended to offend anyone, it's just the silly opinions of a bitter, bitchy actor who probably has no business complaining. But it's my blog, right?

Here's to hoping "Sweeney Todd" pulls through... and don't get me started on "Sweet Charity" in the spring. (Really? "Sweet Charity" the year after "Side Show"?) Oy...

Peace, Love, and Light... if I could only get a light on ME once in a while =P

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Just Another Sign of the Times...

So here's the scoop on the week-

1- I am the worst friend ever and cannot attend Sylvannah's wedding in Las Vegas, and I am truly and deeply sorry. I wish her, Georgia, and her fiancee John only the best, and many happy years together.

2- I got a surprise text from Corey last night that for just train fare, I could go with him to see Mary Poppins on Broadway today through his camp job. So I got to see a pretty decent show and a very decent man in one day =)

3- In spite of the fact that I cannot be in Las Vegas this week, this does mean that I will be able to bake apple pie with Kathleen, see Jess and my amazing nephew (who now talks to me on the phone!), see Corey again, and get to go to Sunday dinner at Mima's ... Hear that, Corey? Sunday dinner? =D

Anyway, that's just a quick update. Now, I have to run and VOMIT because Cor couldn't talk me out of a ten piece chicken nugget combo at McDonald's today, and my body is reacting about the same way Lindsay did when she heard "90 days in prison" and not "90 days in Club Med". Let's just say there has been tears, disillusionment, and sorrow.

Wish me luck...


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Almost Forgot!

... And how could I?! I hope you like the new layout for the blog- I think it was overdue for a facelift (hear that, Whitney Houston?) so here's the new deal!

Let me know what you think!



This is going to be a relatively short post- I just wanted to stop in and say that as of July 3rd, Corey and I are officially in a relationship =)

All of the failed attempts at flirting, missed signals, successful attempts at flirting, observed signals, and eventually *crugs* paid off. I am beyond happy to have such a cute, quirky, like-minded, and overall amAZing person in my life, and I'm infinitely grateful.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and expressed congratulations! Never thought it would have been such a big deal, but I guess I'm just surrounded by a lot of unbelievable people.

On a side-note: Some websites I've been visiting that I would love to advocate-

- The website for the National Equality March. I hope there will be another one this year, because last year's was one of the most moving and unparalleled moments in my life.


- Broadway Impact's website- also related to the NEM, this grassroots campaign (started by Gavin Creel, Rory O'Malley, and Jenny Kanelos) is a response from the theatre community to the national campaign for marriage equality. Excellent group, give them a look!


That's all for now. Again, thank you everyone for your well-wishes, it means a lot =)