Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Ring-Dings! The Witch is Dead... Or Will Be By Age 50

So today I decided to be a little masochistic and look up my body type, which, of course, ended up being endomorphic. But the joke doesn't end there- here are a few choice quotes from the first description I found of an endomorph on a website I'll leave anonymous (my responses are in red):

"An endomorph body typically has the capacity for high fat storage, and unfortunately puts fat on pretty easily. Although all body types are susceptible to excessive weight gain, as an endomorph, you are more inclined to become obese."

Oh, lovely. I'm already feeling better about myself.

It goes on... "Structurally, as an endo, you have small to medium bones, limbs that are shorter in relation to your trunk, and musculature that is not well defined." aka- you're a little frail, but you make up for it in the lard you drag behind you. You have midget arms and man-boobs.

"Now for the good news." (You'll be paying for my therapy after I've read your website?) "From top to bottom, your soft swelling curves create full, rounded shoulders, limbs, and a full trunk." (I have arms and legs that look and feel like marshmallows and a fat ass... here's to 'good news')

"most males collect fat in their abdomen (the "spare tire" or "love handle" look). Many research studies have shown that abdominal fat deposition is much more dangerous than fat in the leg and butt area. This is primarily due to the danger of heart disease and an increased risk of diabetes, stroke, some cancers, and high blood  pressure." (I will never get rid of this damn pocket of pizza and oreos I've got lodged across my stomach, and I'm at risk for a plethora of dangerous diseases, including one I've already got. Excellent- maybe tomorrow I could play hopscotch on the parkway or do a belly-flop off of Niagara Falls...)

"The key to taking the bad with the good and finding happiness with your body type is by balancing all aspects of your life." (It should be noted that there was no "consolation quote" at the end of the ectomorph or mesomorph sections... oy)

And my favorite quote of all, the piece-de-resistance:

"When you think "endomorph," think of Robin Williams and Oprah Winfrey."

If I didn't want to drive a screwdriver through my eye into my brain BEFORE that comment, I would certainly give it some serious thought now.

The mesomorphs are like "Sylvester Stallone and Demi Moore". The ectomorphs are like " Supermodels, Tom Hanks, and Courtney Cox".

Who am I like? A fat black woman and an alcoholic who just had fucking open-heart surgery. Good to know I've got something to look forward when I'm forty and OBESE.

All of this is obviously (to some extent) just a joke, and I thought you'd all get a kick out of it. Here's to the ladies who lunch, I guess I'll have to join them to keep up my "curvy figure".



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