Everything in Life is Only For Now

So much is going on.

I'm now maintaining another blog (http://theactorknits.tumblr.com) which is a sort of sequel/prequel/same-time-equal to this blog. I think it's easier to follow/find people on Tumblr, and more of my friends are on there, so I started one. I'll be linking between the two when there are important posts.

Sweeney is over, and I'm a little sad that it came and went so quickly. How do you rehearse a show for two months and perform an entire run in less than a week? Seven shows- that's it. Seven shows in five days. And it's such a huge show, I would say I was only physically able to be fully present for four or five of them. What a workload. I still loved it, and it was one of my favorite performances to date.

There are so many stories, from getting to die onstage when they couldn't close the barber shop fast enough, to accidentally beating Vince (the actor playing Anthony) with my cane onstage. But the best stories are the ones that are practically not stories at all- they're moments. Moments when I felt alive onstage. Moments when I was pursuing an objective, living in my character's shoes. I can honestly say that I'm finally learning to live onstage and to work in a completely new way.

It's thrilling to know that I'm taking strides forward. I'm learning about myself as a performer every day. I'm so grateful for my amazing teachers and the people who have been so supportive. I know that I struggle with my ability to feel confident in myself, in a lot of ways. But I also know that I have to believe in myself, because if I can't, no one else will.

Who knows where the roads may lead me in my life, but I'm finally beginning to feel hopeful that they might go at least in the vicinity of where I'd planned. I guess I'll just have to ride the wave as far as I can.

<3
Peace

 

Glad, as Always, to Oblige My Friends and Neighbors...

Just had to post this picture of my UNBELIEVABLE costume in Sweeney Todd.

I know the posts have been sparse, but let me tell you, it's not because I've been lazy. On the contrary, I've been quite busy, but once we get to tech on Friday, maybe I'll post a few fun stories and anecdotes from recent events.

But how freaking cool is this costume??? Please ignore the laundry machines in the back, this was taken in the costume shop during a fitting...

Right?!?!?! Thank you Deb Otte for the most amazing costume ever. Seriously, the woman is a genius. I can't wait to post pictures in makeup/on the set. Once I get some production shots, I'll be sure to share.

<3
Peace

Way Ahead of My Time

I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 last night-

I know, everyone was unimpressed by the first one. RIGHT. Everyone came home saying, "Oh, that wasn't scary, I laughed the whole time" or, "Oh yeah, so unrealistic, whatever..." But you know, if even for a second, when you were laying in bed that night (that moment just after you turn the light off) you thought about whether or not you should leave your foot hanging near the edge of the bed...

Needless to say, I am a huge horror buff- but I am admittedly ALSO a scaredy-cat. I love to go see horror movies and then sit in bed at night with my eyes bloodshot and baggy. I will also admit that the first Paranormal Activity turned me into a whimpering twelve-year-old girl when that bitch got dragged down the hallway and the door slammed shut. Not only do I sleep with my door closed and locked, I sometimes leave the TV on a sleep timer, and will only hang my feet out of the blanket on the side of the bed closest to the wall. I know, I'm basically a child.

So you can only imagine my delight when the second one came out. I spent an hour convincing my friend Tom to go to the movies with me (since he's an even bigger wimp than I am), and finally set out to see the 10:15 show. Eleven dollars (whaaaaaaaaat???), a bag of popcorn, a soda, and two seats in a sparsely populated theater later, we were ready to cower into each other's arms and cry while people got thrown around by demons.

Unfortunately, this was not the case. And no- it is not because the movie was bad (not as good as the first, I'll admit, but how do you follow that? It's like being Patti LuPone's understudy- it's practically in the job description), but because of the three girls behind me. We all know the terrible stereotypes- gay people lisp, Asian people are good at math, Jews collect pennies... you get the drift. While I am NOT advocating or in any way trying to perpetuate racism, I have to be honest- black people need to stop talking in movie theaters.

I don't care about watermelon or fried chicken, we all love a good homestyle meal. But for the love of God, I did NOT pay eleven dollars to sit in the dark and listen to some fifteen year old girl narrate the movie.

"Mmm-mmm, I would NOT be stickin' around if I was her, I would be OUTTA THERE." I'm glad, now be quiet. "Why is she going up there??? Is she STUPID?" Probably, it's a horror movie, now be quiet. "LOOK AT THAT PAN! Why is that pan fallin' off da rack? Nobody's even THERE!" Yes, I see that... now be quiet.

What possesses people (No pun intended) to burst out in the middle of a room of strangers and start talking? Do they think that everyone else came to get their perspective on the unfortunate events of this movie? Have they been hired by movie executives to reinforce points of exposition in the plot? In short- WHO RAISED YOU PEOPLE??? There is nothing more irritating than being on the edge of my seat, waiting for that scary moment you know is coming, and hearing from behind you, "Hey, wasn't that orange juice she's holding practically empty the night before? HA, that's a mistake..." No, ma'am, you were- and no one wants to hear you talking.

So, now that I've had my little rant, I hope you won't think ill of me. I certainly own up to my own stereotypes, and I try to amend them when I can. I hope that somewhere those girls are quietly (psh) reflecting on their actions, and deciding that next time they will only talk during moments when the reel stops working, or during boring previews. If not, I hope they will invest in Netflix...

<3
Peace

Why Did I Start This Blog, Again?

... Oooooohhhhh right, cause I like to knit! So here's the deal-

I'm working on a new pattern for a brimmed flat-top hat. I had to take a break from the latest aran inspired scarf I've been working on (I'll post pictures soon), so I decided to be creative and make something of my own. I can't promise anything, but it's looking good so far!

If it works out, I'll be sure to post pictures and the pattern here!

Sweeney is exhausting, but amazing. Life is exhausting, but good. Love is... hard to come by, hard to ignore, and noticeably absent. Here's to hoping the universe is still churning for me...

<3
Peace

I Get By With A Little Help...

I'm exhausted- today was a very long day, with a lot going on. But I wanted to write a short blurb (ok, you know it's gonna be three pages long now) about my experience at rehearsal for Sweeney tonight.

This summer I felt so little validation. I was starting to feel like no one could see me- between everything that happened romantically, being rejected from Mount Washington, and overall feeling like I was a little invisible, I just couldn't stand the idea that I was like a ghost to so many people.

I know that my family and my close friends never allow me to go unnoticed, but I felt like onstage, offstage- it was all just like I was making it by the skin of my teeth. Tonight, though, I felt like my life has done a complete "180".

I have really committed to Sweeney. The whole process has just been so much fun for me- I'm learning every day about myself as a performer, and I've really allowed myself to make bold choices and to continue to grow onstage. I've embraced my character and done some really hard work. The point is, though, that over the last couple weeks I have spent serious time improving my skills as an actor, and I can see it paying off in the rehearsal room. I'm finally feeling like I'm doing great work, and the truth is that I've gotten a lot of positive feedback. People have been telling me how much they appreciate my work, how creepy I am, etc. And it's been so gratifying.

Tonight we ran the first act of the show for the first time all the way through. I felt so connected to my character, even when I felt like I was making choices that could go differently, I was making them as my character. At the end of the run, Jodi (the director, who has been so supportive and amazing) was giving notes, and actually took the time to make a statement about me. I can't remember the exact words verbatim, but she said to the whole company, "The thing I appreciate about his work is that I gave him this crazy, totally new take on this character and he's living in it. I can see when he's onstage that his brain is working, but as his character, and he's making choices. I appreciate that."

It's such a small comment, but as I'm sitting here getting ready for bed and letting it sink in, I'm so moved by the fact that she would take the time to let me know that she appreciates my hard work. It makes me want to work harder and go even farther with this amazing character. I've been so blessed with this opportunity, and I'm so grateful that apparently this little window into my crazy mind is some sort of vessel for the universe to help me find what I need.

Things are not perfect (are they ever?) but they are something so much better than perfect. I'm so grateful to be working on a project I'm passionate about. I'm humbled that someone is appreciating my hard work. I'm grateful to my amazing cast and crew for their hard work and support, and I'm so excited to be going through all of this with all of them. I haven't had such an amazing experience this far in my life onstage, and I'm just basking in it. Let the sunshine in =)

<3
Peace

Time Heals Everything

There has just been so much going on recently, I can't possibly describe it all.

Sweeney is going AMAZINGLY well- I have almost no complaints (except the fact that my song in the second act took some major cuts... wah wah), and everyone has just been doing such an amazing job. I can only hope it will continue to be as productive, creative, and energizing as it has been for the last two weeks.

I've been hanging out a lot with some friends that I haven't been able to spend as much time with in the past, and it's been so great. I love them so much- it's always nice to know that there are like-minded people in the world who are as crazy as I am =)

The only bad thing is I'm noticing more and more these days that everyone is kind of pairing off. It can be so hard sometimes being the single sister (and believe me, this is a role I've been playing longer than the barely-seen sidekick). It just makes me wish I could find someone to make me feel loved again- but on the same token, I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to force love, or try to make something happen that obviously isn't what I want it to be. It just makes me feel very lonely sometimes.

I've been listening to Liza's Carnegie Hall cd a lot, and found a song (ok, sort of mashup) that literally brought me to tears when I realized how closely it mirrored my life over the last few months. I wish I could post the song itself, but I don't know how... so I'll just leave you with some lyrics that have been breaking my heart recently:

I don't want him, you can have him.
He's not worth fighting for-
Besides, there's plenty more where he came from.
I don't want him, you can have him.
I'm giving him the sack-
And he can go right back where he came from.

I could never make him happy,
He'd be better off with you.
I don't think I ever loved him;
All I ever wanted to do was
Run my fingers through his curly locks,
Mend his underwear and darn his socks,
Fetch his slippers and remove his shoes,
Wipe his glasses while he read the news,
Rub his forehead with a gentle touch
Mornings after, if he's had too much,
Kiss him gently when he cuddles near,
[Be his baby all year every year],
So you see-
I don't want him, you can have him.
You can have him, I don't want him-
For he's not the man for me.

I would look a trifle silly taking him away from you.
That was never my intention,
All I ever wanted to do was
Close the window while he soundly slept,
Raid the ice box where the food is kept,
Fix a breakfast that would please him most,
Eggs and coffee, and some buttered toast,
Wake him gently with a breakfast tray,
After breakfast clear the things away,
Bring the papers in when they've been read,
Spend the balance of the day in bed-
So you see,
I don't want him, you can have him.
You can have him, I don't want him-
Fore he's not the man for me.

Time heals everything-
Tuesday, Thursday.
Time heals everything-
April, August.
If I'm patient, the break will mend,
And one fine morning the hurt will end.
So make the moments fly-
Autumn, winter.
I'll forget him by next year,
Some year.
Though it's hell that I'm going through,
Some Tuesday, Thursday,
April, August,
Autumn, winter,
Next year, some year-
Time heals everything.
Time heals everything,

So you see-
I don't want him, you can have him.
You can have him, I don't want him-
For he's not the man for me.

<3
Peace

The Butterfly

Today I watched the documentary "Paper Clips" about the middle school in Tennessee that collected paper clips in order to fully understand the largeness of a number like 6 million (which actually ended up being closer to 12 million)- the reason being that they could not imagine that number being applied to the mass genocide of the holocaust. It is a sincerely moving documentary, and I hope that you'll all watch it at some point. However, the most poignant moment in the film was a short quote that inspired me to find the poem it came from.

The quote was, "I never saw another butterfly"- it was a line written by a a survivor of the Teriz Jewish Ghetto (Inge Auerbacher). It is truly heartbreaking, especially in the context of the film, and I wanted to post the poem ("The Butterfly") here:

The last, the very last,
So richly, brightly, dazzlingly yellow.
Perhaps if the sun's tears would sing
against a white stone.

Such, such a yellow
Is carried lightly way up high.
It went away I'm sure because it wished to
kiss the world good-bye.

For seven weeks I've lived in here,
Penned up inside this ghetto.
But I have found what I love here.
The dandelions call to me
And the white chestnut branches in the court.
Only I never saw another butterfly.

That butterfly was the last one.
Butterflies don't live here,
in the ghetto.

<3
Peace 

The Origin of Love

I am so, so grateful to whoever is watching over me right now.

Of course, as is only natural I guess, I'm still feeling a little lonely without someone to be affectionate with. I got to thinking yesterday that I was so hoping to have someone I loved around Thanksgiving and Christmastime this year, and it made me a little sad to know that that might not be the case. Of course, you never know- there's still two months, right? I don't want to force anything, though, so I'm just gonna let the universe do its thing.

On the bright side, however, I have really gotten the ball rolling on Hedwig! What started off as another one of my hare-brained ideas that is all talk and never comes to fruition is actually working. I'm so excited about it, I can't stop thinking about it.

When we first got back to school I spoke to a good friend, Monica, about directing the show since I was going to be onstage and needed a pair of eyes to tell me how things look. I immediately thought of Monica because I remembered her saying some time ago that she felt she had a gift for directing and was interested in trying it. Monica watched the movie with me, I gave her the CD, and she agreed to come on board.

Excellent! So now I have a star and a director... what else do I need? How about the rights to the show? A set? Lights? A band? The rest of the cast? MONEY??? Oh God, can't do it on my own, I quickly realized. So luckily Debra Otte, the head of the technical theatre program at MSU, recommended that I speak to Pat, one of the stage managers, as he was interested in trying his hand at producing.

I've worked with Pat before, and we got along well enough, so I spoke to Pat, and he immediately signed on as well. In fact, Pat brought the idea to Myra, another member of the Production faculty who has been an equity stage manager on broadway for years, and she is also helping to guide the production a bit. We've slated a production meeting (what?!?!?!) for next Thursday at 2:30.

How did this little project I'd planned on doing COMPLETELY independently turn into something so much bigger? I could not be more excited for the direction that this is going in, and I'm just praying that at least the big things like attaining the rights and the space will go smoothly. As long as I have the permission to do it and a place to put it, I can deal with the stress of everything else. Here's to praying that everything turns out alright.

In the meantime, I've been trying my hand at things that I have never even thought of doing before- production meetings? Concept boards? Pitches? It is all so unbelievably invigorating, and I am just having the time of my life.

My concept for the show is completely new- I'm incorporating a video/interview style production element, so I have been going over the script like a THOUSAND times distinguishing which sections will be performed live and which will be done interview style with videos on a "screen" (a sheet stapled to a piece of wood with a projector). I have done so much work, and have put in so much effort, but it is just the most rewarding thing I've done in a long time.

I'm so excited to begin working on my projects again- it's been so long since I've been able to throw myself into anything, and now with Sweeney and Hedwig I'm just over the moon. The ONLY down side is that I feel for Hedwig I should probably tone up a bit and maybe lose a couple pounds, so I'll have to hit the gym a little more, but what's wrong with this.

Thank you universe, thank you loved ones, and thank you to all the strangers who might be reading this and putting good thoughts into the universe. Who knows why the hell any of this is happening, I just know that I'm so humbled and grateful to the world for letting me experience it.

<3
Peace

Attend the Tale...

Alright, I know I've been a little bit of a whiny bitch recently, but here's the good news- it's all over!

Last night I was talking to my very good friend Angelina who happens to also be in a bit of a rough spot. I was giving her advice because she and her ex-girlfriend were having issues, and the best advice I could give her was, "Maybe you need time away from her. You need to put her out of her head." And like a fucking light switch (as I'm always the last one to follow my own advice), I realized that I had to put all of this negativity out of my head.

Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of cutting Corey out of my life- I still very much enjoy his company and he's an amazing person, but I realized I have to stop romanticizing this whole situation. It's time to move on, and while the pangs are not 100% gone, I'm ready to take the next step and start enjoying my life again. And I realized as I was talking to Angelina that I had to start being my positive-self again. I kid you not, it was like instantly a cloud lifted.

So I was finally able to go to bed and sleep well (although I had the most TERRIBLE dream I think I've ever had... I don't really want to talk about it, but it was actually a bit horrifying, and can probably be attributed to my finally letting go of Corey emotionally). And now today, it was like things were completely different- I was finally able to see all the amazing things going on around me.

1- I know I was bitter about my auditions, but guess what? I was cast as the Beadle in Sweeney Todd! Finally a supporting lead onstage in the Kasser- a big show, a big set, a great part, and LINES/SONGS! So amazing, I'm literally on cloud 9 today after finding out. A much needed boost of confidence =)

2- Julie, the acting teacher from Yale Drama whose class I was DEVASTATED to be missing, announced that she would be dividing the class into two sections to make it available to the students who couldn't get in before... aka, ME. So exciting! Julie is just the most amazing teacher, and I can't wait to learn as much as I possibly can from her.

3- Spoke to Mary English, who is teaching Theater History... the class I couldn't fit in my shedule, and she told me I could get a permit! So I'm getting that out of the way.

4- I don't have to take Scott Richards' acting class again, since when I took it two years ago I never officially signed up. Today, after speaking with him, we decided I could just sign up for the class and he would give me a grade.

All this good news in one day? How is that FUCKING possible??? I'll tell you- put good vibes out there, people. Think positive thoughts, and I swear to God (whom I am graciously thankful toward at the moment) it comes back to you. We all have our moments, Lord knows I've had mine recently, and that's ok. But don't forget that the fog will pass, and when you're ready the world will conspire for you.

I am so unbelievably grateful for the friends and family who have been there for me recently when it was so difficult, to this amazing director (Jodi Capeless) who is taking a chance on me, God, the universe, and whatever powers that be that have made today such a relief from what was otherwise a miserable moment in my life. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

Now I have to hop in the shower- dinner and drinks with Adam and Chelsea tonight to celebrate. I just got back from the gym, so I am a sweaty mess, but I couldn't be happier.

<3
Peace

If Love Were All

It has been rough. I'm so, so sorry that all of the latest blog posts have been so miserable, but I figure if there's anywhere to let it all out, it's here, right?

So I've been back at school a little less than a week, and it's just been so hard for me. Every day I think it'll be easier to see Corey, and every day I'm wrong- and I can't stop thinking about him. He's at every party, every audition, his statuses always pop up on facebook, and I just wish more than anything I could put him out of my mind. I think (and I was discussing this with my best friend today) that I need a rebound- which might not seem entirely fair, which is why I'm not rushing into anything with anyone, but it's true. Right now, I feel like I need someone to remind me that there are other guys out there and I can stop being over-dramatic.

I miss my friends SO much. Every day I wake up and my heart just hurts. I always feel like a miserable lump, missing the people who aren't here and wishing things were different. My auditions were terrible because I've been in this fog (which is making me think it's the ensemble again for Sweeney Todd this semester, if I'm even cast!), and I come home every day after class (the ones I go to, anyway) and just climb back into bed for a few hours. What worries me is that even after a 4 hour nap, I'll still go to bed at 1am and sleep through the night. I'm starting to worry that this is actually a serious bout of depression, and short of going to a therapist, I'm not really sure what to do with myself.

I don't know- the only thing getting me through is the daily screening I have in my bedroom of "Elaine Stritch at Liberty", listening to her sing sad songs and then crying until I fall asleep. All the MGM heroines would be so proud of me...

Here's to hoping tomorrow's a better day... positive thoughts! I'm really trying, I promise...

<3
Peace

I believe in doing what I can,
Crying when I must,
Laughing when I choose.
Heigh-ho, if love were all,
I would be lonely.

I believe the more you love a man,
The more you give your trust,
The more you're bound to lose.
Although,
When shadows fall,
I think, 'If only somebody splendid really needed me."
Someone affectionate and dear.
Cares would be ended if I knew that he
Wanted to have me near.

But I believe that since my life began
The most I've had is just a talent to amuse.
Heigh-ho,
If love were all...

The Rainbow Connection

I'm all moved into my new apartment at Montclair, and sitting here alone in bed, I can't help but feel a little bit lonely.

My best friends, my girls, are far away, and the promise that Corey and I would be happily reunited come September is dissipated. I really wish that he was here in my arms again, finally able to sleep happily uninterrupted together in a place away from parents and siblings. And here I am, completely hung up and unable to sleep, wishing things were different.

No happy ending tonight, kids.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

<3
Peace

The Silver Lining

... Sort of. While everything else is still a little haywire, I did have some small successes during my rather miserable and self-pitying day.

Dinner plate, salad plate, and soup bowl.

The first is that I got some new kitchenware today! Ok, so it is from Target, but what's the difference, besides price, quality, and durability? I was a little upset when I first got there because I did not want to spend $80+ on dinnerware I wasn't in love with, especially if it wasn't Williams Sonoma. But fortunately for me, I didn't have to take just one set that I wasn't completely sold on, and was able to mix and match some of the pieces that I did like.

Silverware... and a few cups.

I've always had a thing for black and red, but watching David Bromstad's "Color Splash Miami" on HGTV has had a prompt playing through my head- "TRY DIFFERENT COLORS! TRY DIFFERENT COLORS! TRY DIFFERENT COLORS!" So as I perused the different plate sets, I decided I liked the blue and the red with the black, choosing the blue for the salad plate so that it would make an interesting place setting. I also picked some simple (ok $10/20 pieces, aka $20/40 pieces) silverware, which actually was fine with me because I wasn't in love with many of the sets they had. And to hold them? Why this lovely, inexpensive metal-crafted holder.

The full set (Or at least two place settings)

And to top it off, I picked a new 12 piece set of tumblers, in "black smoke". Clear glass with a black fading tint- subtle, but pretty.

I'm very excited to have all of these nifty new gadgets- while they will obviously come in handy at school this year, I'm even more excited to know that as I prepare to move out after college, the list of useful things that can come with me is
getting longer and longer. I can't help but spend about 23 hours a day on ikea.com, choosing only 3/4 of the store that would have a place in my new home. Of course, what home-decorating fantasy would be complete without the perfect person to share it with? At least, that's what's been running through my mind along with "TRY NEW COLORS!" all day... nope, not going down that road. This is a positive post!

With all these new additions, I've also been developing an insatiable desire to build something. I would really love to build a daybed. Why? Who knows? I certainly don't. But I keep imagining a beautiful, tiny apartment in the Gold Coast of Chicago with my bed, and a daybed. Just a thought, but it can't hurt to take up a new hobby, right?

And for my second trick today, I managed to take that wonderful, expensive external hard drive I bought after Christmas and actually make it work! Aaaaaaaaall by my lonesome. No customer support, no calling Carmen in crying hysterics begging for help, just me. Ok, so I did have to look up online how to reformat it for my Mac, but still! I actually figured out a way to fix technical problem! I won't lie, I'm a bit proud... and happy that I can clean up a little space on my computer.

Anyway, still a little tender, but at least feeling a little better after a cash splurge and a successful endeavor. Here's to a better tomorrow, and a nice dinner on my new place settings.

<3
Peace

Love the colors <3

Someone to Fall Back On

There's a very specific feeling that literally feels like your heart hurts. It's the feeling you get when you miss someone, when you've been hurt deeply, when you're indescribably happy... you know the feeling.

Sometimes it's the most amazing feeling- knowing you miss someone so much that when you see them it will be a weight off your heart. Sometimes it is quite the opposite- it is torture to know that the one thing that can pull the stopper off of this pressure is unattainable and you can't let it out.

I call these feelings "pangs" because that is exactly what they are- a sudden envelopment by this inexplicable and powerful force. It comes from seeing a picture, remembering what someone said, a word or phrase in a particular song, etc. There are so many things that induce "pangs" it can be overwhelming, and sometimes debilitating.

I wish that they would have stopped by now, and for a while I thought they had. I was wrong.

Here's to finding the next step.

<3
Peace

Feeeeeeeeeeelings...

I was looking through this old blog tonight (Bob Villa, is that you?), and remembered that I'd started a page for some creative writing.

As I looked through all of my old writings, I sifted through the cliche poetry about lost love, and then the satires, funny college essays, and finally came across a poem that I really loved.

This poem was written about two years ago after I had a very brief but poignant (is there a recurring theme here?) relationship with someone I still consider an amazing person. This poem was written as a stream-of-consciousness piece, and the lack of grammar is NOT a reference to Sammy St. Juste, but a way of expressing how these thoughts would just endlessly run through my head without ever punctuating. Anyway, without telling you about the whole thing, the poem is called Yes and Know, and you can read it under "The Penis Mightier" (=P) page on the navigation bar at the top of the page. Hope you enjoy!

<3
Peace

*** OH, and I should probably mention that the structure it is written in is very important, but due to the design of my blog, the last word or two of some of the middle lines was put on a new line, but that was not on purpose. So, I guess what I'm saying is don't think that lines 8, 10, 12, or 14 are being stressed, they are just errors in the blog's formatting. Sorry for the inconvenience.

So Much to Say...

... And just not enough energy or time to do it.

Today was kind of a bad day- drove all the way to Montclair (in about an hour's worth of traffic, there and back on the Parkway) only to find out that the MUCH needed paycheck I've been waiting for was unavailable because the princesses at the office of payroll at MSU don't work on Fridays. Tell me, how many of you get fridays off during the summer? I'm just curious, because one would think that even an esteemed (HA) place of learning like MSU would be open five days a week due to the overwhelming amount of work they constantly complain about. Alas, no- they get Fridays off to meander around the globe, licking rocks and doing 45 in the left lane up and down the entire stretch of the Parkway and/or Turnpike.

So, suffice it to say I will be spending this weekend (the LAST weekend of my LAST summer as a student in my life) at home with Mikey (aka my wonderful father) who will no doubt want to rebuild the deck out of popsicle sticks or Jenga blocks, or try to re-wire all the lighting fixtures with steel wool. It'll be a party, you just wait. There'll be a fun post on Monday... or the second I get frustrated and run to my bedroom to cry.

But here's the thing- I'm still trying to stay positive. It's getting a little easier to be single, although I will admit I still think about Corey every day. I don't think I ever let on how difficult it's been for me, but I also didn't want to make it some drastic story. I miss him a lot, but I'm looking forward to doing new things and, hopefully, meeting new people. Chicago's got me on my toes and I just want to start working on some kind of show- I'm feeling rusty.

And the best thing- the thing that's making me feel so much better about all the crap that's been going on lately, is the response to the pattern I put up here. While you can only see three of the comments that people left (and I am very grateful for all of your comments!), there has also been a great response on Ravelry.com, where I posted a link to the pattern. It has been favorited 57 times, and added to a number of qeues (meaning people have added it to their lists of projects they plan to make). It is such an amazing feeling to know that you've created something and can share it with people who are actually appreciating it, and I am so grateful to all of the people who have been so supportive of what seems like such a simple thing. It means a lot to me, and I truly hope that all of those people are enjoying (or will, at some point) that pattern.

Anyway, I just finished working out, took a shower, sang a bunch- so now it's time to relax on the couch and watch a movie. Which movie? I have no idea. Let's see what's on demand =)

<3
Peace

Basic Cable Can Be Fun

Hellooooo everyone! I'm very excited to post my very first design for a knitted project. It is a cable scarf that was knit in Red Heart's Classic yarn, in a dark grey color scheme. The pattern can be found below.

Because it is such a simple pattern, please feel free to take liberties with it- expand it, shrink it, add fringe, untwist the end stitch, be creative! But please, remember where it came from =)

Basic Cable Can Be Fun

This pattern is EXTREMELY easy, and is great for those who are just learning or are looking to improve their cables... Not to mention the resulting scarf is nice! There are only 10 rounds of the pattern that can be repeated to the desired length, binding off after a round 4. Please see the note regarding end stitches.

Gauge is not terribly important, but using a US 9 (5.5mm) should render about the following:

20 st. x 24 rows = 4x4 in.

This pattern was knit using Red Heart worsted weight yarn in Dark Grey, but any worsted weight yarn will work.

*Note*- This pattern is worked with a twisted end stitch. To achieve this, when beginning the RS, slip the first stitch as if to knit, then bring yarn to front to begin purling. When beginning WS row, slip the first stitch as if to purl, then bring yarn to back to begin knitting.

Abbreviations:

CO- Cast On

P- Purl

K-Knit

CF3- Slip 3 stitches to cable needle and hold to front of work. Knit next three stitches, then knit three stitches from cable needle.

Pattern:

CO- 40 Stitches

Rounds 1, 3, and 7- P3, K6, P2, K5, P1, K6, P1, K5, P2, K6, P3.

Rounds 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10 (Wrong Side)- K3, P6, K2, P5, K1, P6, K1, P5, K2, P6, K3

Round 5- P3, CF3, P2, K5, P1, K6, P1, K5, P2, CF3, P3

Round 9- P3, CF3, P2, K5, P1, CF3, P1, K5, P2, CF3, P3

Continue pattern until garment measures 6' (or desired length), ending after a round 4.

Use basic knit bind off.

Enjoy! Please comment if you like the pattern!

<3

Peace

Eat, Pray, Move

I'm not going to mince words in this post- Corey and I broke up. The last week and a half have been more difficult than I'd care to admit, but I'm slowly and steadily getting better... and, I'm sorry, but I don't really want to talk about it.

While I don't really want to talk about the breakup itself, I would kind of like to discuss the affect it's had on my life. After Corey and I decided to end it, I had about a million things running through my head- one more failed relationship. One more brief, failed relationship. Is it me? Do I push people away somehow?

I know the answer is 'no', but sometimes it's hard to accept. So that's where I am now, realizing that the only way to move on is to know that this is just the way love works. Maybe whatever happened was supposed to happen. It has definitely, in a way, been a service to me.

One of the big things that became a factor in our parting ways was the concept of allowing someone to love you, and your ability to commit yourself, without reservation, to someone else in the hopes that you won't get hurt. Until this point in my life, I don't think I really understood what that meant. I think we all think we understand the idea of 'loving without reservation', and in our youth think that we've accomplished it. But without a real understanding and acceptance of who we are, how can we truly do that? How can you, in a moment of true vulnerability, look into someone's eyes and think, "If you want it, I can give you everything I've got." If you don't know what you have, you don't know what you're giving.

I think I'm starting to understand who I am. I don't think I can articulate it, but who says it's something that can be articulated? Why can't I be aware of who I am without a clear-cut definition? I think self-understanding goes beyond words- it is a feeling and a sense of awareness that transcends language. Am I sounding too philosophical yet? Good, let's get back to brass tacks.

The last, let's say, 8-10 months have been spent feeling trapped, lonely, and confused. While these feelings have been sort of bottling up, I think they've finally started seeping out and making themselves unavoidable. That's not to say I've been a completely miserable turd for the last year, but with the separation from my best friends, doubt-filled studies, ailing relationship with my father, and now another failed relationship it's been a bumpy road. I think I've finally had enough.

So here comes the point of the post- Eat, Pray, MOVE. In every sense of the word. I'm going to start proactively changing my life. I wanted to do 'Hedwig and the Angry Inch', and I'm going to, I'll find a way. I'm going to work hard and perform to the best of my ability, no holds barred anymore. I'm going to graduate, and here's where the story gets a little more literal.

After I graduate, I'm moving to Chicago. Even just now, I was tempted to write, "I'm thinking of moving to Chicago", but that mentality won't do. I'm going to start following through on everything. Now, that includes doing and being something new.

I'd never even been on a plane until this past March, I was 21 years old. How could I have planned out my entire life, including where I'd live, what I'd do, and who I'd see before I ever did anything? I've never lived anywhere else, but I just assumed I'd stay in NYC. This isn't to say I'll never come back, I might come back after only a year if I'm ready. But I need to step outside my comfort zone. I need to see something else in the world.

There will be more to come when I'm feeling up to it, maybe some details, but for now, I'm drained.

<3
Peace

Everyone Can Suck It!

A quote from one of the best, Kathy =)

Just a couple funny anecdotes from today:

1- I went to the Public Library to see if they had a copy of "The Seagull" since I haven't finished reading it. Mind you, I worked at the library when I was 15 for almost a year, was no stranger to the premises, and even went to school with the librarian's son. I also had a book in my possession (not on my person, but in my possession) that had been overdue since, well, 2005. "The Complete Works of Jane Austen" was not only a book I never read for my Senior AP English class in high school, but was a prized possession that I kept on my bookshelf, seeing as I hadn't gotten a notice from the library asking for their money.

Over the years, the book moved from the top shelf of my bookcase to the second, then to the third, until one day it sat, lonely, at the bottom near the Bible and some Nicholas Sparks novels. It's presence, although somewhat forgotten, was not so lost to me that I would not be able to tell you where it was. And when Mrs. Wu pointed out that I owed her $21.50, that information became exponentially more valuable. I handed her the little brick of a thing, and she told me that since I returned it, I would only have to pay $7.25. Unfortunately (aw, shucks) I didn't have cash on me, and they don't take cards (no pun intended), so I would have to return with the money. Now, I am not a terribly dishonest person, but for $7.25, I could probably buy a copy of "The Seagull", and I wasn't going to give them seven dollars for a book they weren't missing enough to come get. Sorry, Mrs. Wu, this might be goodbye forever.

2- The point of this post, and the reason it's called "Everyone Can Suck It!" is that I have found myself in a very small, insignificant little Kathy Griffin situation. I was up until an un-Godly hour last night, and in an attempt to entertain myself I was cruising facebook. There happened to be a commercial on in the background for the new movie "Charlie St. Cloud". Now, it should be noted that I am not even slightly interested in this movie, Zac Efron, or playing catch with dead children. Especially the Zac Efron part. So I made a comment on my facebook that went a little something like this,

"Apparently, every evening Zac Efron plays catch with his dead brother. I'm glad to hear he spends time being entertained by a lifeless 10-year-old because now he knows how we feel when we have to sit through his movies."

 I know, it's not even my best work! But the point is, I couldn't care less about Zac Efron or his movies- so much so that I have never even truly seen one, with the exception of Hairspray, in which he was... well, whatever. So I made a silly little joke. No biggie, right?

Well, the responses I got were mixed, but a couple people were actually offended! One girl wrote, "wowww that was a bit harsh lol.. he's a great actor." I'm sorry, a what? Another friend who makes dead baby jokes and has a sense of humor possibly more inappropriate than mine (a quality I admire, I should add) said "haha burn... i dunno tho maybe it'll b good..." I also kind of find it funny that in internet slang these days you can add an apostrophe in "it'll" but leave the "e" out of "be". I've never really understood all that stuff though. And yet another person (who's said maybe ten words to me the entire time I've known him) said "mean =[".

Am I in the twilight zone, or is it the international "Can't-Take-a-Joke" day? The comment was obviously me just playing off of what, I think, is a sort of silly concept for a movie with someone who is obviously playing beyond his abilities (at least at this point in his career).

Like I said, it's not a big deal at all, it's not some huge controversy. But I thought it was funny, because this was my first taste of a joke really flopping on a broad scale. I guess the next time we'll see something like that is at the "Charlie St. Cloud" premier...

<3
Peace

Confuscious Says...

... Some days you're the 1,000 pound man, some days you're the toilet bowl.

<3
Peace

The Tale of the Egg

I realized that I have a lot things I've never posted here. I have some writing- poetry, short stories, and satires, as well as pictures and things that I've just never posted. I might make some separate pages for media and creative writing, but for now I'll just enter them as posts.

This first poem is one that I wrote quite a while ago, but for some reason I'm very proud of it. Feel free to comment =)

<3
Peace

The Tale of the Egg

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

First off, why is he sitting on a wall?

We are never given reason,

Or, if you'll forgive the pun,

Rhyme,

As to why this friendless

And forgotten egg

Is perched absent-mindedly on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Was this some fateful accident or 

Are we to believe that

Poor Dumpty,

Or Humpty,

Took his life by choice?

This Frail,

White,

And fragile boy (or man, I suppose)

Simply propelled himself

Determinably

Toward the ground 

In order to lay himself to eternal rest?

Why is he so upset?

One might argue that he is an egg,

Predetermined by his human predecessors

To feed and nourish

Possibly

Less honorable

Men.

If this is the case, perhaps

He chose to end his life in an act of defiance-

Cutting off his nose

To spite

His master's face.

Or perhaps there is unwritten

Subtext.

Perhaps a Misses Dumpty,

Or Mister, for all we know.

Maybe it is a broken heart,

Unrequited

Or faded love

That drove Humpty,

Or Dumpty,

To his own dishonorable discharge.

Imagine,

He's left behind several hatchlings,

That one day only be met with

Stares of fear

And sympathy. 

"Do you see those eggs?"

One might ask,

"Those are the Dumpty kids- poor souls."

And all the King's horses, and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Well it's obviously silly to me-

Perhaps it was the use of horses?

I couldn't imagine

That they would be very efficient

In re-piecing an egg

(Or, for that matter, any other broken man)

Could you see them

Clomping their dull hooves together

In a desperate attempt

To save the poor rudiment?

Alas, their clicking and clacking

Only crushing the shells farther

Into white pieces that

Sprinkle the ground like snow.

Their mares questioning,

"Darling, is something wrong?"

The lack of response

Is misinterpreted as a further disengagement,

The very cause of their ailing marriage.

The horses would lose their beauties

And their calves-

Possibly finding a wall of their own;

A morbid continuation of the cycle.

And the men sent by the King

Are of no use either.

Why is this egg so important as to

Attract the attention of royalty?

Was he the King's breakfast-

A poached prisoner

Who scrambled to find his own

Sunny side of the universe?

Perhaps there is more subtext than we might have thought-

Is it possible

The King- in a hungry rage-

Allowed,

Or rather ordered

The men and horses to

Feign horror and assistance,

Their passive actions causing the inevitable

Termination of our ovoid hero?

Was it vengeance

Inspired by abandonment in a time of

Required sustenance?

The whole thing seems fishy to me.

However,

In the end, it seems pointless.

There is no proof of villainy

Or treachery-

No proof of malicious intent,

Or of purposeful neglect

By medical officials in the Kingdom of the Carton.

There is only a story-

A short, possibly metaphoric blurb

About a troubled egg

That is broken

And irreparable.

I think, sometimes,

That I'm a Humpty Dumpty.

I am broken by vengeance

And love,

And the King's men laugh

And point,

Clicking and clacking until,

Like snow,

I cover the Earth

And melt away.

How's that for symbolism, Mother Goose?

 

Papa, Can You Hear Me???

Direct quote of the night:

"Who follows your blog???"- Kevin D'Angio.

Apparently not Kevin.

<3
Peace

Ring-Dings! The Witch is Dead... Or Will Be By Age 50

So today I decided to be a little masochistic and look up my body type, which, of course, ended up being endomorphic. But the joke doesn't end there- here are a few choice quotes from the first description I found of an endomorph on a website I'll leave anonymous (my responses are in red):

"An endomorph body typically has the capacity for high fat storage, and unfortunately puts fat on pretty easily. Although all body types are susceptible to excessive weight gain, as an endomorph, you are more inclined to become obese."


Oh, lovely. I'm already feeling better about myself.

It goes on... "Structurally, as an endo, you have small to medium bones, limbs that are shorter in relation to your trunk, and musculature that is not well defined." aka- you're a little frail, but you make up for it in the lard you drag behind you. You have midget arms and man-boobs.

"Now for the good news." (You'll be paying for my therapy after I've read your website?) "From top to bottom, your soft swelling curves create full, rounded shoulders, limbs, and a full trunk." (I have arms and legs that look and feel like marshmallows and a fat ass... here's to 'good news')

"most males collect fat in their abdomen (the "spare tire" or "love handle" look). Many research studies have shown that abdominal fat deposition is much more dangerous than fat in the leg and butt area. This is primarily due to the danger of heart disease and an increased risk of diabetes, stroke, some cancers, and high blood  pressure." (I will never get rid of this damn pocket of pizza and oreos I've got lodged across my stomach, and I'm at risk for a plethora of dangerous diseases, including one I've already got. Excellent- maybe tomorrow I could play hopscotch on the parkway or do a belly-flop off of Niagara Falls...)

"The key to taking the bad with the good and finding happiness with your body type is by balancing all aspects of your life." (It should be noted that there was no "consolation quote" at the end of the ectomorph or mesomorph sections... oy)

And my favorite quote of all, the piece-de-resistance:

"When you think "endomorph," think of Robin Williams and Oprah Winfrey."

If I didn't want to drive a screwdriver through my eye into my brain BEFORE that comment, I would certainly give it some serious thought now.

The mesomorphs are like "Sylvester Stallone and Demi Moore". The ectomorphs are like " Supermodels, Tom Hanks, and Courtney Cox".

Who am I like? A fat black woman and an alcoholic who just had fucking open-heart surgery. Good to know I've got something to look forward when I'm forty and OBESE.

All of this is obviously (to some extent) just a joke, and I thought you'd all get a kick out of it. Here's to the ladies who lunch, I guess I'll have to join them to keep up my "curvy figure".

<3
Peace

Joe (aka OPRAH'S FAT ASS)

I'm Spreading the News

I just had to put this up here.

This is the best version of "New York, New York" I have ever heard in my entire life. Liza's will always be my favorite, and that stealing son-of-a-bitch Frank Sinatra (not really, he's a great singer, and I'll give him that...) could never do it the same way...

The Best of Times is Now

... I certainly don't feel like it.

But let me tell you why-

First off I should say that things are going amazingly well with Corey, my nephew is as cute as possible, I just had a fun trip to Martha's Vineyard, and I'm still alive. I'm very grateful for all of those things.

I think right now, though, I just feel a bit trapped. I'm not working on anything, I'm not doing anything, I don't have any money, and I don't have anywhere to go (besides Galloway... which I can't afford at the moment).

I need to feel creative and useful! Here's to hoping something comes along... I'm keeping my eyes open.

<3
Peace

My Own Little Schmemmy

... I wish.

I know I come here to vent a lot, but let's be honest- it's my party and I'll bitch if I want to.

So here's the thing: MSU is doing Chekhov's "The Seagull" in the fall. I know, the big name, Chekhov. Well, I was lucky enough to be called back for the part of Medvedenko. I will honestly and with all sincerity say that I always feel lucky to be offered a callback, and especially lucky to be cast- there are lots of people who don't get those opportunities.

Ok, the politics are over, let's dish. The GENIUS Chekhov, who is often preceded by his reputation of writing amazing plays with amazing characters, apparently wrote amazing characters for this play that are extremely deep and intricate... except Medvedenko. He is LITERALLY described quite often as being "mundane" and "simple". Medvedenko is also not a central character in the plot.

Which means, my dear readers, that once again I'm being considered for a simple, straight-forward, uncomplicated character who drifts on and offstage simply to give the central characters something to talk about while he's in his dressing room. Do you hear that, Tom Stoppard? I think the unparalleled character piece that was Richard Noakes in "Arcadia" might actually have competition for the most unnoticed character in a show.

My complaint, however, does not simply regard a callback for a character I haven't even read for, let alone been offered, but more the implication of what this says about me. Am I visible? When I audition, how is it that the first thing people think is, "Gee, he'd look great in a period costume backstage"? I know that I shouldn't poo-poo my opportunities, but seriously- could someone give me the chance to try something? Could I be given the opportunity to succeed or fall on my face once? I don't think I'm so hopeless that the only parts I could ever play are the ones that don't go onstage.

I know character actors are destined for this... but that is assuming that they are given characters. I would be happy with a small part that meant something or had some nice scenes, but so far in act one of the play, Medvedenko has told Masha that he kind of loves her, and his life sucks (in so many words), then he walked off and I'll be damned if he's not sitting in a chair in the greenroom watching "Philadelphia" on his laptop. I don't mean to sound like this is a part that's mine, because for all I know it's not even a close call for me. The problem I have is that I would really like the opportunity to do something onstage.

I am just as talented as the people who are given chances time and time again, and in many cases are not entirely successful. The fact is, if any of us were always successful, we wouldn't be doing college-level theater, we'd be out working. The PROBLEM is, some people are given a chance to hone their craft, and some people wear leafy vests and watch DVDs for two hours until curtain call.

During "Arcadia", I can count on one hand the number of notes I got that weren't regarding blocking. This is not because I am the next great American actor, it's because I read the script, saw the guy, and BOOM- there he was. It wasn't rocket science to figure out that the gardener hates the lady of the estate for insulting his work and constantly fights with her. And by constantly, I mean in the first and last ten minutes of the play. Sure, in between it's discussed by Septimus and Thomasina how Noakes is intricately involved in the revealing of Mrs. Chater's affair with Septimus, and how his steam engine is like the math, and blah blah blah... Is Noakes there to discuss it? No. His name is just a catalyst for discussion, and his presence, like Halley's Comet, is brief and rare.

I haven't finished "The Seagull" yet, but it's beginning to look like Medvedenko fills a similar role. Without Medvedenko to distract Masha from the fact that she can't have Konstantin, her plight would never be developed. So what's important is not that Medvedenko wants to be with Masha, it's that Masha wants to be with Konstantin and has to settle for Medvedenko. Getting the drift yet? Medvedenko's story isn't the roast duck drizzled in plum sauce, it's the plate it came on. And to me, the actor, it might look like delicate china with a flowery border in an ironic shade of "eggshell", but to the audience it's a white fucking plate.

I literally, on opening night, received a very touching, but honest card from my director of "Arcadia" that said, "You are proof that there are no small parts, just small actors". While this was extremely flattering and I am very appreciative of my director's comments, that statement is not entirely true. No small parts, just small actors? Great. Tell that to Jackie Hoffman.

You: Jackie who?
Me: exactly.

Anyway, I sincerely apologize. You know only half of this is honestly how I feel, and the other 20% is entirely embellishment. In all seriousness, I just want to be noticed. I want someone to see that I'm talented and give me the chance to prove it and to work on it. None of this is intended to offend anyone, it's just the silly opinions of a bitter, bitchy actor who probably has no business complaining. But it's my blog, right?

Here's to hoping "Sweeney Todd" pulls through... and don't get me started on "Sweet Charity" in the spring. (Really? "Sweet Charity" the year after "Side Show"?) Oy...

<3
Peace, Love, and Light... if I could only get a light on ME once in a while =P

Just Another Sign of the Times...

So here's the scoop on the week-

1- I am the worst friend ever and cannot attend Sylvannah's wedding in Las Vegas, and I am truly and deeply sorry. I wish her, Georgia, and her fiancee John only the best, and many happy years together.

2- I got a surprise text from Corey last night that for just train fare, I could go with him to see Mary Poppins on Broadway today through his camp job. So I got to see a pretty decent show and a very decent man in one day =)

3- In spite of the fact that I cannot be in Las Vegas this week, this does mean that I will be able to bake apple pie with Kathleen, see Jess and my amazing nephew (who now talks to me on the phone!), see Corey again, and get to go to Sunday dinner at Mima's ... Hear that, Corey? Sunday dinner? =D

Anyway, that's just a quick update. Now, I have to run and VOMIT because Cor couldn't talk me out of a ten piece chicken nugget combo at McDonald's today, and my body is reacting about the same way Lindsay did when she heard "90 days in prison" and not "90 days in Club Med". Let's just say there has been tears, disillusionment, and sorrow.

Wish me luck...

<3
Peace

Almost Forgot!

... And how could I?! I hope you like the new layout for the blog- I think it was overdue for a facelift (hear that, Whitney Houston?) so here's the new deal!

Let me know what you think!

<3
Peace

Crugs

This is going to be a relatively short post- I just wanted to stop in and say that as of July 3rd, Corey and I are officially in a relationship =)

All of the failed attempts at flirting, missed signals, successful attempts at flirting, observed signals, and eventually *crugs* paid off. I am beyond happy to have such a cute, quirky, like-minded, and overall amAZing person in my life, and I'm infinitely grateful.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and expressed congratulations! Never thought it would have been such a big deal, but I guess I'm just surrounded by a lot of unbelievable people.

On a side-note: Some websites I've been visiting that I would love to advocate-

- The website for the National Equality March. I hope there will be another one this year, because last year's was one of the most moving and unparalleled moments in my life.


http://equalityacrossamerica.org/blog/?page_id=19

- Broadway Impact's website- also related to the NEM, this grassroots campaign (started by Gavin Creel, Rory O'Malley, and Jenny Kanelos) is a response from the theatre community to the national campaign for marriage equality. Excellent group, give them a look!

http://www.broadwayimpact.com/

That's all for now. Again, thank you everyone for your well-wishes, it means a lot =)

<3
Peace

Let's Elaborate...

I couldn't stand the thought of someone from school happening upon my little blog and thinking that I was being completely disparaging about my professors in the acting program... that is, without furthering my point =)

I wanted to share some specific moments and thoughts that explain why I've been so hard on my professors so that people don't think I'm just some bitter, bad actor who's looking for an excuse. I know I'm a bad actor, but I need no excuses.

So let's start with an instance that occurred almost two years ago (ouch) when I was taking acting with one of the BFA Acting teachers. For all intents and purposes, let's call her "S". I was truly struggling in her class, and I mean STRUGGLING. I would go in not knowing what I was doing or where to start, and all she would ever say to me was "Go deeper, go deeper". Now, as a reader, you might be thinking, "But what does that MEAN, 'go deeper'?" If you are, GOOD- because that's exactly what I thought. It's much easier to say to someone "go deeper" than it is to sit down and discuss the block in the person's performing process.

After about two or three months of going into that blackbox twice per week and feeling like a complete failure, I wrote "S" an in-depth and desperate email explaining that I was lost and felt like I was a complete failure. She told me to come in for a meeting that following Monday, only to explain that all students go through that period of feeling lost, and I should stick it out... and the problem went unsolved, I continued to flounder.

The next semester, however, "S" went on sabbatical, and a substitute ("D") stepped in. "D" worked with us all on our "true voice", Alexander Technique, what I would later learn was "Substitution", and many other aspects of performance and exercises that clearly defined how to use our minds and bodies to become performers. Finally, structure! Understanding! Objective! It was like some acting fairy (and I think that's the only word you can use to truly describe "D") swooped in and showed me that I wasn't a lost cause, I just didn't have the right tools. "Go deeper" finally had meaning because I knew how to do it, and what it meant.

After the short-lived progress made in "D"'s class, I entered "J"'s class, only to feel, once again, like a complete failure and ignoramus. One week a performance was good, the next week the same performance was bad. No choices onstage were correct. Constant contradictions in technical explanations. Complete DISCARD of technical explanations. Absolutely no positive criticism. 45-minute discussions about the business of being a film actor... in a classical acting (aka- shakespeare) class. And I'm not saying those conversations aren't important, but when I'm supposed to be doing A Midsummer Night's Dream and we're talking about "The Wire", something's gone the way of the wind...

Once again, I lost all respect for my acting teacher- which leaves me with ONE acting teacher that made a positive impression on me... an adjunct. No teacher taught us about the method, or stanislovsky, which is what we were supposed to be learning. No teacher worked with us on basic technique or application of what we'd "learned". There were no lessons! Is this acting class? Am I paying $26,000.00 per year to be told "Go deeper"?

So when I say that I learned more in one semester with an adjunct and four days reading Uta Hagen's "Respect For Acting" than I did in a full year of classes with MSU's finest, I wish I could say I was kidding. Please don't get me wrong- they are nice people with the best intentions (most of the time) and I am not trying to imply that they aren't good people. I am saying, though, that masterclasses, structured curriculum, and a more explanatory process of what is going on the classroom when it is going on would be a great improvement.

I apologize if this all comes off as snotty, but reading the book made me so angry that these very basic techniques were simply breezed over. Even if they weren't intended as part of the curriculum, I feel that a teacher should be able to look at a student who is struggling and help them to find the best route to the best outcome, and I felt that I was thrown into the shark tank and told not to bleed. Acting is not mathematic, or even logical sometimes- it depends so heavily on the individual's response to so many things that when a student is not succeeding with the given technique, it only makes sense for the teacher to take a different approach with that student. I only wish that someone had pointed me in the right direction so that I could have started this process earlier.

So that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. No grudges, no anger, just some unfinished business that I felt I needed to explain and get off my chest. I'm going to keep reading Uta's books and write some of my thoughts here, and maybe even share a few thoughts from my personal journal. One of these days I promise I will write a light-hearted post...


<3
Peace

Wow...

I promise I'll be better about this! I know it's been a long time, but there hasn't been a lot going on to report about.

I did some temp work for an Allstate office in town, so I have a bit of spending money (which was MUCH needed), but the job hunt continues. I applied to the Gap today, so Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Chris Farley just better look out. I guess we'll see where that goes...

Corey and I are doing great, I'm very happy to say =) I wish we got to see each other more often, but I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm crossing my fingers that next week we'll be able to get together and spend some time watching movies and eating terrible (great) food... in pajamas.

I do have some stuff to write about regarding some acting exercises I've been doing to keep fresh and learn more- I want to take a class or something just to get more than the nut jobs at Montclair have to offer. I've been reading Uta Hagen's "Respect For Acting" (Why was this not a textbook????) and I've found it is HUGELY helpful in explaining all the shit that my acting teachers are apparently incapable of articulating. For a long time I thought it just wasn't possible to explain the techniques that they were trying to pass on to their students... as it turns out, it is in fact quite possible, and they just aren't very good teachers. Their lessons were just missing *actual* technique, explanation, and structure. If we'd been learning what Uta teaches in the order she explains it, I think Montclair's students would be far better off. Instead we get the indecisive, nondescript teachings of people whose knowledge I have no choice but to question. I'm not saying there's a recipe for good acting, but I am saying that if we had actual lessons and exercises, rather than just throwing us all in the deep end to sink or swim, we might have had a better shot at success. Sometimes I think they just don't want all of us to succeed, but that might just be my pessimism...

Anyway, I'm going to Liz's for movies and junk food (a common theme in my life, apparently...) so I'll be back to write again soon. You'd think with so much free time, I'd be able to write more, right? We'll see...

<3
Peace

Good Things Do Happen!

I know the last few posts have been a little depressing, a little stressed out, a little high anxiety, but I'm happy to say that this one is much happier =)

In the last, I guess, 2 weeks, things have just improved exponentially. My acting class with good ol' Georgie boy, (or Jorge Posada, as Brittany has taken to calling him) is over and done, and I'll probably walk away with a shitty grade because he felt he had to select me out of the group of 18 people to penalize for accumulated absences. But I don't care! The class is over, I HAVE to have passed, so I'm happy =)

The year is over, I passed all my juries (including my vocal jury, which was a FIASCO, to put it mildly) and finished all my tests, and even managed to feel good about some of it. Most importantly, I met (or rather, got to know) someone who's been making me feel especially amazing =)

It started off with a few conversations on facebook, very romantic, and then turned into dancing at Gala, and then became walks, which eventually led to semi-dates, which led to watching movies, and then not watching movies =D I've known him for a while now, but only really got to know him very recently, and it's just been the most amazing thing- no pressure, just being with each other and enjoying ourselves. It's been a long time since I felt this strongly about someone, and I'm glad it's him because he's very special. I guess we'll see where this goes =)

Besides that, I'm REALLY excited about my Mt. Washington Audition- it went well, they gave me some great feedback, and I'm hoping it might lead to me going and getting a role or two this year! Very exciting, I would love to go back and give Mt. Wash another shot, knowing better this year how to take care of myself, take advantage of my time there, and especially know my limits. I think last year I pushed myself a bit too far physically, and I wound up paying for it. This year I would love to go and just enjoy every second. However, I don't have the job yet, so I shouldn't say things like that... but I did.

Other than that, I'm just looking for work to fill the time either between now and June or now and September. Unfortunately for us both, my new romance lives in waaaaaaay South Jersey, and I do not... so I have to scrounge up a little cash to get down and visit.

So that's basically the long and short of life right now. Sorry this post isn't that interesting, I'm a little tired and not really feeling funny =P Next time, though, I'll start with a joke.

<3
Peace

Let the Sunshine In

I have no excuse, it has been entirely too long since I've written here... and I'm sure anyone who might be reading this is probably thinking that I've been saying that far too often recently.

The truth is that I actively took a little time away from the blog, as well as any other extracurricular endeavors, to try to figure some things out. I am very happy to report that this was a good choice =)

I decided I needed some time to clear my head, and I did just that. I've spent a lot of time trying to work things out with my roommates, which is an ongoing process, but has taken leaps and bounds forward to finding a happy place again. I cannot stress how much I love my girls, and how much I have learned from them in the last three years. I don't want to get too sentimental about it, but I am so glad that we're communicating again and being a family.

As far as everything else is concerned, there's just so much. I've been taking a lot of walks, listening to a lot of new music, and trying to appreciate what's right in front of me. The more I try to figure myself out, the more I realize I wasn't ever that lost, I just thought I was. I'm growing so much these days, just trying to see everything in a new light and spread joy and positivity. I'm surrounding myself with people who are so amazing and kind, and I'm learning everyday and trying to practice more of what I preach.

I think this whole process has also made me more aware of the fact that I am connected in such an inexplicable way to everyone and everything around me. At the risk of sounding way too much like a flower-child, I just feel this intense connection to the world right now and I want to experience as much as I possibly can. I've experienced such a thrill for life, and I just want to share it.

That being said, there are still a few things that I'm working through/toward. I have a tendency to go through these periods of not dating, frankly because I don't date around a lot. I haven't felt sparks for a while, and I was beginning to worry a bit about that aspect of my life- at least, about why I was choosing to be single- but recently there have been sparks, and I'm just trying to go with the flow. For some reason, I always forget that feeling of being newly attracted to someone and the excitement of learning about each other.

On a completely different note, I feel like my emotions have been all over the place- I'll feel content, then sad, then overjoyed, then anxious... you get the picture. While some of this can probably be attributed to the notorious queeriod (The period gay men experience that lasts three weeks instead of the female's one), there have definitely been specific incidences-

1- Getting on the scale... no explanation required.

2- A week ago we put my dog to sleep. Griffin was almost 14 years old, and he was just amazing. I hope he led a good life, and I truly think he did, but sometimes I wonder if I could have made his life a little better. More walks, more attention, etc. I feel almost like a parent who's lost a child, and I've been experiencing these pangs of guilt just wondering if I could have been a better owner. I literally grew up with Griffin, and it is so strange knowing he's not going to be there when I go home. I also feel like for some reason I haven't fully experienced his death, and one of these days it's gonna hit me like a bag of bricks. As strange as it may sound, I'm almost looking forward to it because I want to get these feelings off my chest =/

3- I feel better about myself as a performer, although I'm sure I can continue to grow. I think that's the way it always is for anyone in the business (if they're smart)- we should always continue to learn from each other and from our experiences and to grow.

Today I had a great audition for the summer stock company I worked with last summer. They are producing "Singin' in the Rain", "The Music Man", "HAIR", and "The Full Monty". I auditioned this morning, and was asked on the spot to read for Woof in "HAIR" and Malcolm and Ethan in "The Full Monty". I'm not expecting anything, although I'm hopeful, but it felt so good to go in and give an audition that I felt confident about and to see it pay off with at LEAST a callback. Even if I don't get the parts, or even hired for that matter, I feel like I at least made a good impression. I'm happy about it =)

So that's all for now. It's been a very long day and a VERY long week, so I'm exhausted. I'll try to post more now that I'm feeling a bit more myself.

<3
Peace