I'm not going to mince words in this post- Corey and I broke up. The last week and a half have been more difficult than I'd care to admit, but I'm slowly and steadily getting better... and, I'm sorry, but I don't really want to talk about it.
While I don't really want to talk about the breakup itself, I would kind of like to discuss the affect it's had on my life. After Corey and I decided to end it, I had about a million things running through my head- one more failed relationship. One more brief, failed relationship. Is it me? Do I push people away somehow?
I know the answer is 'no', but sometimes it's hard to accept. So that's where I am now, realizing that the only way to move on is to know that this is just the way love works. Maybe whatever happened was supposed to happen. It has definitely, in a way, been a service to me.
One of the big things that became a factor in our parting ways was the concept of allowing someone to love you, and your ability to commit yourself, without reservation, to someone else in the hopes that you won't get hurt. Until this point in my life, I don't think I really understood what that meant. I think we all think we understand the idea of 'loving without reservation', and in our youth think that we've accomplished it. But without a real understanding and acceptance of who we are, how can we truly do that? How can you, in a moment of true vulnerability, look into someone's eyes and think, "If you want it, I can give you everything I've got." If you don't know what you have, you don't know what you're giving.
I think I'm starting to understand who I am. I don't think I can articulate it, but who says it's something that can be articulated? Why can't I be aware of who I am without a clear-cut definition? I think self-understanding goes beyond words- it is a feeling and a sense of awareness that transcends language. Am I sounding too philosophical yet? Good, let's get back to brass tacks.
The last, let's say, 8-10 months have been spent feeling trapped, lonely, and confused. While these feelings have been sort of bottling up, I think they've finally started seeping out and making themselves unavoidable. That's not to say I've been a completely miserable turd for the last year, but with the separation from my best friends, doubt-filled studies, ailing relationship with my father, and now another failed relationship it's been a bumpy road. I think I've finally had enough.
So here comes the point of the post- Eat, Pray, MOVE. In every sense of the word. I'm going to start proactively changing my life. I wanted to do 'Hedwig and the Angry Inch', and I'm going to, I'll find a way. I'm going to work hard and perform to the best of my ability, no holds barred anymore. I'm going to graduate, and here's where the story gets a little more literal.
After I graduate, I'm moving to Chicago. Even just now, I was tempted to write, "I'm thinking of moving to Chicago", but that mentality won't do. I'm going to start following through on everything. Now, that includes doing and being something new.
I'd never even been on a plane until this past March, I was 21 years old. How could I have planned out my entire life, including where I'd live, what I'd do, and who I'd see before I ever did anything? I've never lived anywhere else, but I just assumed I'd stay in NYC. This isn't to say I'll never come back, I might come back after only a year if I'm ready. But I need to step outside my comfort zone. I need to see something else in the world.
There will be more to come when I'm feeling up to it, maybe some details, but for now, I'm drained.