Sunday, May 2, 2010

Let the Sunshine In

I have no excuse, it has been entirely too long since I've written here... and I'm sure anyone who might be reading this is probably thinking that I've been saying that far too often recently.

The truth is that I actively took a little time away from the blog, as well as any other extracurricular endeavors, to try to figure some things out. I am very happy to report that this was a good choice =)

I decided I needed some time to clear my head, and I did just that. I've spent a lot of time trying to work things out with my roommates, which is an ongoing process, but has taken leaps and bounds forward to finding a happy place again. I cannot stress how much I love my girls, and how much I have learned from them in the last three years. I don't want to get too sentimental about it, but I am so glad that we're communicating again and being a family.

As far as everything else is concerned, there's just so much. I've been taking a lot of walks, listening to a lot of new music, and trying to appreciate what's right in front of me. The more I try to figure myself out, the more I realize I wasn't ever that lost, I just thought I was. I'm growing so much these days, just trying to see everything in a new light and spread joy and positivity. I'm surrounding myself with people who are so amazing and kind, and I'm learning everyday and trying to practice more of what I preach.

I think this whole process has also made me more aware of the fact that I am connected in such an inexplicable way to everyone and everything around me. At the risk of sounding way too much like a flower-child, I just feel this intense connection to the world right now and I want to experience as much as I possibly can. I've experienced such a thrill for life, and I just want to share it.

That being said, there are still a few things that I'm working through/toward. I have a tendency to go through these periods of not dating, frankly because I don't date around a lot. I haven't felt sparks for a while, and I was beginning to worry a bit about that aspect of my life- at least, about why I was choosing to be single- but recently there have been sparks, and I'm just trying to go with the flow. For some reason, I always forget that feeling of being newly attracted to someone and the excitement of learning about each other.

On a completely different note, I feel like my emotions have been all over the place- I'll feel content, then sad, then overjoyed, then anxious... you get the picture. While some of this can probably be attributed to the notorious queeriod (The period gay men experience that lasts three weeks instead of the female's one), there have definitely been specific incidences-

1- Getting on the scale... no explanation required.

2- A week ago we put my dog to sleep. Griffin was almost 14 years old, and he was just amazing. I hope he led a good life, and I truly think he did, but sometimes I wonder if I could have made his life a little better. More walks, more attention, etc. I feel almost like a parent who's lost a child, and I've been experiencing these pangs of guilt just wondering if I could have been a better owner. I literally grew up with Griffin, and it is so strange knowing he's not going to be there when I go home. I also feel like for some reason I haven't fully experienced his death, and one of these days it's gonna hit me like a bag of bricks. As strange as it may sound, I'm almost looking forward to it because I want to get these feelings off my chest =/

3- I feel better about myself as a performer, although I'm sure I can continue to grow. I think that's the way it always is for anyone in the business (if they're smart)- we should always continue to learn from each other and from our experiences and to grow.

Today I had a great audition for the summer stock company I worked with last summer. They are producing "Singin' in the Rain", "The Music Man", "HAIR", and "The Full Monty". I auditioned this morning, and was asked on the spot to read for Woof in "HAIR" and Malcolm and Ethan in "The Full Monty". I'm not expecting anything, although I'm hopeful, but it felt so good to go in and give an audition that I felt confident about and to see it pay off with at LEAST a callback. Even if I don't get the parts, or even hired for that matter, I feel like I at least made a good impression. I'm happy about it =)

So that's all for now. It's been a very long day and a VERY long week, so I'm exhausted. I'll try to post more now that I'm feeling a bit more myself.


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