The Butterfly

Today I watched the documentary "Paper Clips" about the middle school in Tennessee that collected paper clips in order to fully understand the largeness of a number like 6 million (which actually ended up being closer to 12 million)- the reason being that they could not imagine that number being applied to the mass genocide of the holocaust. It is a sincerely moving documentary, and I hope that you'll all watch it at some point. However, the most poignant moment in the film was a short quote that inspired me to find the poem it came from.

The quote was, "I never saw another butterfly"- it was a line written by a a survivor of the Teriz Jewish Ghetto (Inge Auerbacher). It is truly heartbreaking, especially in the context of the film, and I wanted to post the poem ("The Butterfly") here:

The last, the very last,
So richly, brightly, dazzlingly yellow.
Perhaps if the sun's tears would sing
against a white stone.

Such, such a yellow
Is carried lightly way up high.
It went away I'm sure because it wished to
kiss the world good-bye.

For seven weeks I've lived in here,
Penned up inside this ghetto.
But I have found what I love here.
The dandelions call to me
And the white chestnut branches in the court.
Only I never saw another butterfly.

That butterfly was the last one.
Butterflies don't live here,
in the ghetto.

<3
Peace 

The Origin of Love

I am so, so grateful to whoever is watching over me right now.

Of course, as is only natural I guess, I'm still feeling a little lonely without someone to be affectionate with. I got to thinking yesterday that I was so hoping to have someone I loved around Thanksgiving and Christmastime this year, and it made me a little sad to know that that might not be the case. Of course, you never know- there's still two months, right? I don't want to force anything, though, so I'm just gonna let the universe do its thing.

On the bright side, however, I have really gotten the ball rolling on Hedwig! What started off as another one of my hare-brained ideas that is all talk and never comes to fruition is actually working. I'm so excited about it, I can't stop thinking about it.

When we first got back to school I spoke to a good friend, Monica, about directing the show since I was going to be onstage and needed a pair of eyes to tell me how things look. I immediately thought of Monica because I remembered her saying some time ago that she felt she had a gift for directing and was interested in trying it. Monica watched the movie with me, I gave her the CD, and she agreed to come on board.

Excellent! So now I have a star and a director... what else do I need? How about the rights to the show? A set? Lights? A band? The rest of the cast? MONEY??? Oh God, can't do it on my own, I quickly realized. So luckily Debra Otte, the head of the technical theatre program at MSU, recommended that I speak to Pat, one of the stage managers, as he was interested in trying his hand at producing.

I've worked with Pat before, and we got along well enough, so I spoke to Pat, and he immediately signed on as well. In fact, Pat brought the idea to Myra, another member of the Production faculty who has been an equity stage manager on broadway for years, and she is also helping to guide the production a bit. We've slated a production meeting (what?!?!?!) for next Thursday at 2:30.

How did this little project I'd planned on doing COMPLETELY independently turn into something so much bigger? I could not be more excited for the direction that this is going in, and I'm just praying that at least the big things like attaining the rights and the space will go smoothly. As long as I have the permission to do it and a place to put it, I can deal with the stress of everything else. Here's to praying that everything turns out alright.

In the meantime, I've been trying my hand at things that I have never even thought of doing before- production meetings? Concept boards? Pitches? It is all so unbelievably invigorating, and I am just having the time of my life.

My concept for the show is completely new- I'm incorporating a video/interview style production element, so I have been going over the script like a THOUSAND times distinguishing which sections will be performed live and which will be done interview style with videos on a "screen" (a sheet stapled to a piece of wood with a projector). I have done so much work, and have put in so much effort, but it is just the most rewarding thing I've done in a long time.

I'm so excited to begin working on my projects again- it's been so long since I've been able to throw myself into anything, and now with Sweeney and Hedwig I'm just over the moon. The ONLY down side is that I feel for Hedwig I should probably tone up a bit and maybe lose a couple pounds, so I'll have to hit the gym a little more, but what's wrong with this.

Thank you universe, thank you loved ones, and thank you to all the strangers who might be reading this and putting good thoughts into the universe. Who knows why the hell any of this is happening, I just know that I'm so humbled and grateful to the world for letting me experience it.

<3
Peace

Attend the Tale...

Alright, I know I've been a little bit of a whiny bitch recently, but here's the good news- it's all over!

Last night I was talking to my very good friend Angelina who happens to also be in a bit of a rough spot. I was giving her advice because she and her ex-girlfriend were having issues, and the best advice I could give her was, "Maybe you need time away from her. You need to put her out of her head." And like a fucking light switch (as I'm always the last one to follow my own advice), I realized that I had to put all of this negativity out of my head.

Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of cutting Corey out of my life- I still very much enjoy his company and he's an amazing person, but I realized I have to stop romanticizing this whole situation. It's time to move on, and while the pangs are not 100% gone, I'm ready to take the next step and start enjoying my life again. And I realized as I was talking to Angelina that I had to start being my positive-self again. I kid you not, it was like instantly a cloud lifted.

So I was finally able to go to bed and sleep well (although I had the most TERRIBLE dream I think I've ever had... I don't really want to talk about it, but it was actually a bit horrifying, and can probably be attributed to my finally letting go of Corey emotionally). And now today, it was like things were completely different- I was finally able to see all the amazing things going on around me.

1- I know I was bitter about my auditions, but guess what? I was cast as the Beadle in Sweeney Todd! Finally a supporting lead onstage in the Kasser- a big show, a big set, a great part, and LINES/SONGS! So amazing, I'm literally on cloud 9 today after finding out. A much needed boost of confidence =)

2- Julie, the acting teacher from Yale Drama whose class I was DEVASTATED to be missing, announced that she would be dividing the class into two sections to make it available to the students who couldn't get in before... aka, ME. So exciting! Julie is just the most amazing teacher, and I can't wait to learn as much as I possibly can from her.

3- Spoke to Mary English, who is teaching Theater History... the class I couldn't fit in my shedule, and she told me I could get a permit! So I'm getting that out of the way.

4- I don't have to take Scott Richards' acting class again, since when I took it two years ago I never officially signed up. Today, after speaking with him, we decided I could just sign up for the class and he would give me a grade.

All this good news in one day? How is that FUCKING possible??? I'll tell you- put good vibes out there, people. Think positive thoughts, and I swear to God (whom I am graciously thankful toward at the moment) it comes back to you. We all have our moments, Lord knows I've had mine recently, and that's ok. But don't forget that the fog will pass, and when you're ready the world will conspire for you.

I am so unbelievably grateful for the friends and family who have been there for me recently when it was so difficult, to this amazing director (Jodi Capeless) who is taking a chance on me, God, the universe, and whatever powers that be that have made today such a relief from what was otherwise a miserable moment in my life. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

Now I have to hop in the shower- dinner and drinks with Adam and Chelsea tonight to celebrate. I just got back from the gym, so I am a sweaty mess, but I couldn't be happier.

<3
Peace

If Love Were All

It has been rough. I'm so, so sorry that all of the latest blog posts have been so miserable, but I figure if there's anywhere to let it all out, it's here, right?

So I've been back at school a little less than a week, and it's just been so hard for me. Every day I think it'll be easier to see Corey, and every day I'm wrong- and I can't stop thinking about him. He's at every party, every audition, his statuses always pop up on facebook, and I just wish more than anything I could put him out of my mind. I think (and I was discussing this with my best friend today) that I need a rebound- which might not seem entirely fair, which is why I'm not rushing into anything with anyone, but it's true. Right now, I feel like I need someone to remind me that there are other guys out there and I can stop being over-dramatic.

I miss my friends SO much. Every day I wake up and my heart just hurts. I always feel like a miserable lump, missing the people who aren't here and wishing things were different. My auditions were terrible because I've been in this fog (which is making me think it's the ensemble again for Sweeney Todd this semester, if I'm even cast!), and I come home every day after class (the ones I go to, anyway) and just climb back into bed for a few hours. What worries me is that even after a 4 hour nap, I'll still go to bed at 1am and sleep through the night. I'm starting to worry that this is actually a serious bout of depression, and short of going to a therapist, I'm not really sure what to do with myself.

I don't know- the only thing getting me through is the daily screening I have in my bedroom of "Elaine Stritch at Liberty", listening to her sing sad songs and then crying until I fall asleep. All the MGM heroines would be so proud of me...

Here's to hoping tomorrow's a better day... positive thoughts! I'm really trying, I promise...

<3
Peace

I believe in doing what I can,
Crying when I must,
Laughing when I choose.
Heigh-ho, if love were all,
I would be lonely.

I believe the more you love a man,
The more you give your trust,
The more you're bound to lose.
Although,
When shadows fall,
I think, 'If only somebody splendid really needed me."
Someone affectionate and dear.
Cares would be ended if I knew that he
Wanted to have me near.

But I believe that since my life began
The most I've had is just a talent to amuse.
Heigh-ho,
If love were all...