The Rainbow Connection

I'm all moved into my new apartment at Montclair, and sitting here alone in bed, I can't help but feel a little bit lonely.

My best friends, my girls, are far away, and the promise that Corey and I would be happily reunited come September is dissipated. I really wish that he was here in my arms again, finally able to sleep happily uninterrupted together in a place away from parents and siblings. And here I am, completely hung up and unable to sleep, wishing things were different.

No happy ending tonight, kids.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

<3
Peace

The Silver Lining

... Sort of. While everything else is still a little haywire, I did have some small successes during my rather miserable and self-pitying day.

Dinner plate, salad plate, and soup bowl.

The first is that I got some new kitchenware today! Ok, so it is from Target, but what's the difference, besides price, quality, and durability? I was a little upset when I first got there because I did not want to spend $80+ on dinnerware I wasn't in love with, especially if it wasn't Williams Sonoma. But fortunately for me, I didn't have to take just one set that I wasn't completely sold on, and was able to mix and match some of the pieces that I did like.

Silverware... and a few cups.

I've always had a thing for black and red, but watching David Bromstad's "Color Splash Miami" on HGTV has had a prompt playing through my head- "TRY DIFFERENT COLORS! TRY DIFFERENT COLORS! TRY DIFFERENT COLORS!" So as I perused the different plate sets, I decided I liked the blue and the red with the black, choosing the blue for the salad plate so that it would make an interesting place setting. I also picked some simple (ok $10/20 pieces, aka $20/40 pieces) silverware, which actually was fine with me because I wasn't in love with many of the sets they had. And to hold them? Why this lovely, inexpensive metal-crafted holder.

The full set (Or at least two place settings)

And to top it off, I picked a new 12 piece set of tumblers, in "black smoke". Clear glass with a black fading tint- subtle, but pretty.

I'm very excited to have all of these nifty new gadgets- while they will obviously come in handy at school this year, I'm even more excited to know that as I prepare to move out after college, the list of useful things that can come with me is
getting longer and longer. I can't help but spend about 23 hours a day on ikea.com, choosing only 3/4 of the store that would have a place in my new home. Of course, what home-decorating fantasy would be complete without the perfect person to share it with? At least, that's what's been running through my mind along with "TRY NEW COLORS!" all day... nope, not going down that road. This is a positive post!

With all these new additions, I've also been developing an insatiable desire to build something. I would really love to build a daybed. Why? Who knows? I certainly don't. But I keep imagining a beautiful, tiny apartment in the Gold Coast of Chicago with my bed, and a daybed. Just a thought, but it can't hurt to take up a new hobby, right?

And for my second trick today, I managed to take that wonderful, expensive external hard drive I bought after Christmas and actually make it work! Aaaaaaaaall by my lonesome. No customer support, no calling Carmen in crying hysterics begging for help, just me. Ok, so I did have to look up online how to reformat it for my Mac, but still! I actually figured out a way to fix technical problem! I won't lie, I'm a bit proud... and happy that I can clean up a little space on my computer.

Anyway, still a little tender, but at least feeling a little better after a cash splurge and a successful endeavor. Here's to a better tomorrow, and a nice dinner on my new place settings.

<3
Peace

Love the colors <3

Someone to Fall Back On

There's a very specific feeling that literally feels like your heart hurts. It's the feeling you get when you miss someone, when you've been hurt deeply, when you're indescribably happy... you know the feeling.

Sometimes it's the most amazing feeling- knowing you miss someone so much that when you see them it will be a weight off your heart. Sometimes it is quite the opposite- it is torture to know that the one thing that can pull the stopper off of this pressure is unattainable and you can't let it out.

I call these feelings "pangs" because that is exactly what they are- a sudden envelopment by this inexplicable and powerful force. It comes from seeing a picture, remembering what someone said, a word or phrase in a particular song, etc. There are so many things that induce "pangs" it can be overwhelming, and sometimes debilitating.

I wish that they would have stopped by now, and for a while I thought they had. I was wrong.

Here's to finding the next step.

<3
Peace

Feeeeeeeeeeelings...

I was looking through this old blog tonight (Bob Villa, is that you?), and remembered that I'd started a page for some creative writing.

As I looked through all of my old writings, I sifted through the cliche poetry about lost love, and then the satires, funny college essays, and finally came across a poem that I really loved.

This poem was written about two years ago after I had a very brief but poignant (is there a recurring theme here?) relationship with someone I still consider an amazing person. This poem was written as a stream-of-consciousness piece, and the lack of grammar is NOT a reference to Sammy St. Juste, but a way of expressing how these thoughts would just endlessly run through my head without ever punctuating. Anyway, without telling you about the whole thing, the poem is called Yes and Know, and you can read it under "The Penis Mightier" (=P) page on the navigation bar at the top of the page. Hope you enjoy!

<3
Peace

*** OH, and I should probably mention that the structure it is written in is very important, but due to the design of my blog, the last word or two of some of the middle lines was put on a new line, but that was not on purpose. So, I guess what I'm saying is don't think that lines 8, 10, 12, or 14 are being stressed, they are just errors in the blog's formatting. Sorry for the inconvenience.

So Much to Say...

... And just not enough energy or time to do it.

Today was kind of a bad day- drove all the way to Montclair (in about an hour's worth of traffic, there and back on the Parkway) only to find out that the MUCH needed paycheck I've been waiting for was unavailable because the princesses at the office of payroll at MSU don't work on Fridays. Tell me, how many of you get fridays off during the summer? I'm just curious, because one would think that even an esteemed (HA) place of learning like MSU would be open five days a week due to the overwhelming amount of work they constantly complain about. Alas, no- they get Fridays off to meander around the globe, licking rocks and doing 45 in the left lane up and down the entire stretch of the Parkway and/or Turnpike.

So, suffice it to say I will be spending this weekend (the LAST weekend of my LAST summer as a student in my life) at home with Mikey (aka my wonderful father) who will no doubt want to rebuild the deck out of popsicle sticks or Jenga blocks, or try to re-wire all the lighting fixtures with steel wool. It'll be a party, you just wait. There'll be a fun post on Monday... or the second I get frustrated and run to my bedroom to cry.

But here's the thing- I'm still trying to stay positive. It's getting a little easier to be single, although I will admit I still think about Corey every day. I don't think I ever let on how difficult it's been for me, but I also didn't want to make it some drastic story. I miss him a lot, but I'm looking forward to doing new things and, hopefully, meeting new people. Chicago's got me on my toes and I just want to start working on some kind of show- I'm feeling rusty.

And the best thing- the thing that's making me feel so much better about all the crap that's been going on lately, is the response to the pattern I put up here. While you can only see three of the comments that people left (and I am very grateful for all of your comments!), there has also been a great response on Ravelry.com, where I posted a link to the pattern. It has been favorited 57 times, and added to a number of qeues (meaning people have added it to their lists of projects they plan to make). It is such an amazing feeling to know that you've created something and can share it with people who are actually appreciating it, and I am so grateful to all of the people who have been so supportive of what seems like such a simple thing. It means a lot to me, and I truly hope that all of those people are enjoying (or will, at some point) that pattern.

Anyway, I just finished working out, took a shower, sang a bunch- so now it's time to relax on the couch and watch a movie. Which movie? I have no idea. Let's see what's on demand =)

<3
Peace

Basic Cable Can Be Fun

Hellooooo everyone! I'm very excited to post my very first design for a knitted project. It is a cable scarf that was knit in Red Heart's Classic yarn, in a dark grey color scheme. The pattern can be found below.

Because it is such a simple pattern, please feel free to take liberties with it- expand it, shrink it, add fringe, untwist the end stitch, be creative! But please, remember where it came from =)

Basic Cable Can Be Fun

This pattern is EXTREMELY easy, and is great for those who are just learning or are looking to improve their cables... Not to mention the resulting scarf is nice! There are only 10 rounds of the pattern that can be repeated to the desired length, binding off after a round 4. Please see the note regarding end stitches.

Gauge is not terribly important, but using a US 9 (5.5mm) should render about the following:

20 st. x 24 rows = 4x4 in.

This pattern was knit using Red Heart worsted weight yarn in Dark Grey, but any worsted weight yarn will work.

*Note*- This pattern is worked with a twisted end stitch. To achieve this, when beginning the RS, slip the first stitch as if to knit, then bring yarn to front to begin purling. When beginning WS row, slip the first stitch as if to purl, then bring yarn to back to begin knitting.

Abbreviations:

CO- Cast On

P- Purl

K-Knit

CF3- Slip 3 stitches to cable needle and hold to front of work. Knit next three stitches, then knit three stitches from cable needle.

Pattern:

CO- 40 Stitches

Rounds 1, 3, and 7- P3, K6, P2, K5, P1, K6, P1, K5, P2, K6, P3.

Rounds 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10 (Wrong Side)- K3, P6, K2, P5, K1, P6, K1, P5, K2, P6, K3

Round 5- P3, CF3, P2, K5, P1, K6, P1, K5, P2, CF3, P3

Round 9- P3, CF3, P2, K5, P1, CF3, P1, K5, P2, CF3, P3

Continue pattern until garment measures 6' (or desired length), ending after a round 4.

Use basic knit bind off.

Enjoy! Please comment if you like the pattern!

<3

Peace

Eat, Pray, Move

I'm not going to mince words in this post- Corey and I broke up. The last week and a half have been more difficult than I'd care to admit, but I'm slowly and steadily getting better... and, I'm sorry, but I don't really want to talk about it.

While I don't really want to talk about the breakup itself, I would kind of like to discuss the affect it's had on my life. After Corey and I decided to end it, I had about a million things running through my head- one more failed relationship. One more brief, failed relationship. Is it me? Do I push people away somehow?

I know the answer is 'no', but sometimes it's hard to accept. So that's where I am now, realizing that the only way to move on is to know that this is just the way love works. Maybe whatever happened was supposed to happen. It has definitely, in a way, been a service to me.

One of the big things that became a factor in our parting ways was the concept of allowing someone to love you, and your ability to commit yourself, without reservation, to someone else in the hopes that you won't get hurt. Until this point in my life, I don't think I really understood what that meant. I think we all think we understand the idea of 'loving without reservation', and in our youth think that we've accomplished it. But without a real understanding and acceptance of who we are, how can we truly do that? How can you, in a moment of true vulnerability, look into someone's eyes and think, "If you want it, I can give you everything I've got." If you don't know what you have, you don't know what you're giving.

I think I'm starting to understand who I am. I don't think I can articulate it, but who says it's something that can be articulated? Why can't I be aware of who I am without a clear-cut definition? I think self-understanding goes beyond words- it is a feeling and a sense of awareness that transcends language. Am I sounding too philosophical yet? Good, let's get back to brass tacks.

The last, let's say, 8-10 months have been spent feeling trapped, lonely, and confused. While these feelings have been sort of bottling up, I think they've finally started seeping out and making themselves unavoidable. That's not to say I've been a completely miserable turd for the last year, but with the separation from my best friends, doubt-filled studies, ailing relationship with my father, and now another failed relationship it's been a bumpy road. I think I've finally had enough.

So here comes the point of the post- Eat, Pray, MOVE. In every sense of the word. I'm going to start proactively changing my life. I wanted to do 'Hedwig and the Angry Inch', and I'm going to, I'll find a way. I'm going to work hard and perform to the best of my ability, no holds barred anymore. I'm going to graduate, and here's where the story gets a little more literal.

After I graduate, I'm moving to Chicago. Even just now, I was tempted to write, "I'm thinking of moving to Chicago", but that mentality won't do. I'm going to start following through on everything. Now, that includes doing and being something new.

I'd never even been on a plane until this past March, I was 21 years old. How could I have planned out my entire life, including where I'd live, what I'd do, and who I'd see before I ever did anything? I've never lived anywhere else, but I just assumed I'd stay in NYC. This isn't to say I'll never come back, I might come back after only a year if I'm ready. But I need to step outside my comfort zone. I need to see something else in the world.

There will be more to come when I'm feeling up to it, maybe some details, but for now, I'm drained.

<3
Peace