There's No Business Like Show Business... Unless You're Ugly

All of my life ("I have a lump...") I have been self-conscious of my looks. Whether it was a little extra padding around the mid-section (or the posterior), my receding hairline, stubby fingers, whatever- I've been conscious... of myself. It took me years of self-discovery, months of weight-watchers, and so many other hyphenated self-help (why are these all hyphenated?) techniques and practical applications to finally be comfortable in my own skin... even if it hung loosely over my newly skinny body.

So I graduated college, was lucky to land an agent, and have been struggling to achieve some kind of success as an actor. The stereotype became true, I got a miserable job at a restaurant, and I've been called back more times than Randy Quaid by the IRS, but hardly ever do I land the role. It's a downhill struggle trying to figure out why we don't get the roles we want, but I couldn't help but notice something my agent said to me one day.

I had a very successful audition one day, and had scheduled an appointment with my agent at 4:00pm uptown. Well, needless to say, the casting associates wanted to see me again at 5:00pm, and it was no short walk from Ripley Grier to my agent's office. I was still confident that I could make it, so I ran uptown to meet with her.

I love my agent- she is a very sweet woman who works very hard for her clients and cares very much about our success in the business and in our personal lives. Because she cares so much, especially for those of us who are new to the business, she is always offering advice- whatever she thinks might give us the leg-up on our next outing. This time, she mentioned something I wasn't expecting.

"I was looking at your photos," she said, "and I couldn't help but notice your hairline. It looks like you're balding."

"Well, I am." I said, suddenly feeling an omnipotent itch at the top of my forehead.

"Maybe you should look into that thing, the surgery."

And from there we went on to discuss how sensitive I am about my balding, how embarrassing it can be if there's a strong wind or if it's raining. We discussed hair restoration surgery, and how it had helped some of her other clients, and she thought it would be a good idea for me. I immediately agreed, and left the office trying to think of how I could make $5,000.00 to pay for hair restoration surgery.

I ran back down to my callback, which I was already late for, in the rain. Every drop was like another word, 

"You. Can't. Afford. Hair. Restoration. Surgery. You. Can't. Even. Pay. Rent."

By the time I got to the studio it was 4:50. I had ten minutes to freshen up and review the callback material before they called me in. They had given me "Mooning" from Grease to sing, and because of my meeting I had barely looked at it. I ran into the bathroom to fix my tie, and caught a glimpse in the mirror-

There, staring back at me, was my forehead. So long and shiny, it reflected the mirror like a funhouse, which the mirror in turn reflected, creating an endless chain of reflections of my bald head. My hair was in such disarray that I spent the next ten minutes fussing it back into submission, and finally walked out in frustration with the best possible arrangement, which was still not good enough for me. They called me in.

"I spend my da-eeeee-aaaaaays...(thinking about my bald head)... just mooooo-ooooo-ooooning so sad and blue-ooo (I am sad and blue =( ). I spend my na-ights... (wondering how I'm going to get work with a follicular wasteland where my hair should be)... just mooooo-oooooo-ooooning all over you (all over who? Oh, right, my hairline)."

It went on. The entire time, all I could think was that I was standing there- a hairless monkey, dancing and singing for their enjoyment only to hear those terrible words-

"Thank you!"

I walked out, dejected.

Ever since that day, I have never been able to walk down the street without noticing a full head of hair. With every guy I see on television, all I can think is, "Wow, I could do that job if I had hair like his." I even see shampoo commercials as things I can check off of my "I Will Never Do This" list. It has literally become an obsession that keeps me awake at night- "You will never work. They see through you... and your thin hair."

But let me ask you something- do you know how they "fix" your hairline? Let me tell you.

THEY CUT OUT A CHUNK OF YOUR SCALP, SEW IT BACK TOGETHER, AND USE THE REMOVED FOLLICLES TO FILL IN THE GAPS.

Look up the pictures, it's actually grisly. Not to mention, you have to take a drug called Propecia for the rest of your life to keep it from falling out again. What's that, you say? The side effects? Oh, right... possible loss of sex drive. In some cases, your sex drive doesn't even return if you stop taking the drug. Oh yeah, and it might be linked to prostate cancer. But whatever, now you've got hair again.

And did I mention that Propecia does not necessarily work for follicles in the temple-front region of the hairline? It is more effective on the crown of the scalp. So all that money you just paid for hair transplants, and you might keep the transplants while the rest of your hair falls out of your head. Sorry, Charlie, no acting job is worth looking like a deformed Chia Pet for the rest of my life with a six inch scar across the back of my head and a spattering of lonely hairs above my ears.

I appreciate that my agent wants the best for me, but now I have become a monster- constantly critiquing hairlines and type-ing myself out of auditions because I "can't play a leading man with a receding hairline". And can I be honest? My hair loss is not even to any great extent. All I have learned is that we as people judge far too quickly and far too harshly.

Love yourselves, people. I do not condemn plastic surgery; a person's body is their own to do what they want with. However, pulling and tugging the wrinkles away, moving your hair (did I mention they can use body hair for restoration? So you might get pubes on your head), plumping things up and flattening things down is so horrific. We have used entertainment to rob ourselves of humanity! Art is supposed to comment on life, not the other way around.

I'm going to age gracefully. The day my hair starts looking too thin, I'm just going to shave it all off... and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

And I'll be DAMNED if I'm putting pubes on my head.

<3

Peace

What Dreams May Come

Yeah, I haven't written here in like two months, so?

Ok, you're right, I'm really bad at this.

So here's the scoop- I'm trying to get back on the bandwagon of being a real human being with adult responsibilities and some kind of regular schedule. I have decided to start by posting here again every night, even if I don't really have anything to say... which should be really great for all of you reading.

The point is this: I have been really lucky. Especially in this business, it is easy to feel overlooked, untalented, and unimpressive, but I have been lucky enough to get to know someone who has made me realize that A) I was being kind of a whiny bitch, and rather than sitting on my ass eating oreos and watching reruns of Project Runway, I should be sitting on my ass eating oreos and looking up auditions with reruns of Project Runway in the background (Ok, we all know it should be Dear Genevieve, but whatever)... and B) I go on too many long tangents and forget what my bullet points are.

I know he has an aversion to being mentioned in blog posts, so I won't name any names, but this great guy has been so supportive and has had so much faith in me without any reservations, and I am so grateful for that right now. I only hope that I can somehow return the favor.

The truth is that I have been allowing my fear of failure to stop me from doing what makes me happy, and I've subscribed to the idea that I wasn't good enough before I could prove myself wrong (or right. Would I be right? I think I'm wrong...). After a kind of bad episode where I confessed to him that I was in a funk about myself as a performer, he knew exactly how to make me feel better about myself, and even inspired me to go out and do my best work- and believe it or not, today, the day after our talk, I went out and got two callbacks this week.

Don't lose faith in yourselves. Sometimes that's the only support you'll feel you have... and if you're lucky, you'll meet a guy like him.

Besides, if you can't love yourself, how in the HELL are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?!?! (Yes you can, Ru... Yes you can...)

<3

Peace

For Mima

Just a short post-

2012 Has been crazy so far- lots of auditions coming up, which is great, because at the end of last year I was kind of falling off the horse with that one... and instead of getting back on, I was just kind of shrugging in the dirt, thinking, "Eh... I'll catch the next one that comes by."

The biggest change this year, though, is that on December 30th my grandmother passed away. She was one of the most loving, supportive, and funny people I have ever had the privilege of knowing, making this one of the most confusing and shocking moments in my life.

At every show, Mima was there. Whenever I sang, she was there. She loved when I recorded songs for her, she always wanted to talk about actors, movies, musicals, and (more than anything) show biz stories. She just had this enthusiasm for what I did that inspired me to love it even more, and I always loved that if something great happened she was so excited for me.

Lately I have been doubting myself. I have been doubting my abilities as a performer, I have been doubting my choices to pursue it, and I have been doubting whether or not it truly makes me happy anymore. But when I think of how she loved me and had such unwavering faith in me, it makes me want to prove myself. It makes me realize that she (as well as so many other people I love) had so little doubt that I had something special about me that she never once discouraged me from following my dream.

While I do get sad when I think of how much I miss her- even realizing that this is the first blog post that I'll have written that she didn't get to read- I also know that she is always here with me. Now when I walk into the audition room, I won't have to wait til Sunday dinner to tell her how it went, because she will be there with me. From now on, Mima is my guardian angel.

As I approach this crazy audition season and PRAY that someone will give me a job, perhaps my prayers are exactly what I need.

<3
Peace

The Actor Does What?

... Oh, right... he knits. So guess what I'm doing? I'm knitting!

Alright, folks, so here's the deal- For the last month and a half I've been a mess. I've been bitter about the stupid philosophy class, working two jobs (one that will definitely get its own post... I worked for Miranda Priestly), doubting my ability to break into this business we call 'Show', and just a plethora of other terrible things.

The point is that I'm making a concerted effort to put all of those terrible feelings behind me! It's time again, I think, to put that extra hitch in my giddy-up that I always seem to need. This time, I'm doing it by relaxing and having fun with the needles and some crochet-weight yarn. I'm working on some lace, which I haven't done in a while, and is challenging, but great.

I've been working on the Stor Rund Dug pattern doily from yarnover.net... awesome pattern! I'll post pictures soon.

Sorry this post lacked personality- give me time to heal, you'll get that sarcastic bitch back in no time.

<3
Peace

A New Dawn... of the Dead

What happens when you take an actor + a blowout fight with his only source of income - a job + an unpaid gig?

The answer is a big problem. A problem not even Chinese third grade math whizzes can solve (and trust me, they're still trying).

Here's the situation- I failed a class in my last semester of college. To be fair, it was because of my atypically busy schedule and my own undertaking of too many obligations in one semester. However, I only failed philosophy by 5% of the grade, and when I offered to do extra credit, the teacher, a lovely, lovely man, insulted me and refused. Now I'm not saying he's a bad person, I'm only saying he's a misogynist half-wit who lacks compassion or human emotions. I'm not bitter.

So what to do about this little dilemma? Obviously, the answer is to commit myself to a show that doesn't pay and eats up time during the day that could be occupied by a job. Now, if I didn't have to pay $900 for a philosophy class, I wouldn't have to turn down projects that are directly related to my degree (not bitter). Especially not turning them down in order to study something that is trivial and unrelated to anything I will have any use for (does anyone else taste dark chocolate?). Unfortunately, I didn't have the forethought to realize that $900 does not, contrary to popular belief, simply materialize when needed, else wouldn't all of the NJ housewives be saved?

So I took the non-paying job, only to discover now that I have an excellent opportunity to make money. Yes, money- the green stuff that philosophy teachers don't make (seriously, dark chocolate? Coffee maybe?). I find myself in quite a pickle- and not the kind I'd normally enjoy (minds OUT of the gutter, thank you). I'm going to have to, now two rehearsals in, back out of a project... which only makes me look bad. All because a visiting professor who is a huge Kant couldn't let me make up 5% of my grade. Now I don't want to be offensive or libel and go tarnishing this man's name. I will only say he was a visiting professor at Montclair State University teaching an Introduction to Philosophy course in the Spring of 2011. He may also, at this time, have been the chairperson of the Philosophy Department at Nyack College in NY, and/or written a book entitled "Eyes That See, Ears That Hear". Just a few biographical facts.

So this modern philosopher (which I'm sure is the equivalent of a 17th Century rocket scientist) has now effectively come between me and my first passion- performing. I don't take this lightly. I don't take anything lightly, else I wouldn't constantly be on a diet.

So you can understand why these days posts are less frequent and more aggressive. Unfortunately, turds that choose to be self-important are not the same as professors. I think a professor would have chosen to have a positive impact on a student who is not even committed, by their degree, to the professor's class. I think they also would have been able to assess that a well written, insightful paper discussing the topics of the course and their practical application to the student's own views was enough to warrant a second chance at making good. To my dismay, these points are frequently overlooked by men with small penises... like philosophers.

Not bitter.

<3
Peace

Across the Universe

It has been a ROUGH couple of weeks, everyone.

Let me tell you, graduating (or not...) is not an easy process to go through. Suddenly coming home for what seems like forever, being a little trapped, being fooled into thinking it's just summer vacation... it sucks.

I found a temporary job which, for the moment, looks like it's going to be a lot of fun. I'll be teaching theatre to kids at a camp in a neighboring town, ages 8-14 for about six weeks. I'm so excited to get to share what I've learned and loved about theatre with young people- let's hope they're as excited as I am.

Unfortunately, the battle of the dueling philosophies continues. Oh, have I not told you this story yet? Well, that's going to be a separate post. There is FAR too much information to squeeze into this one. But trust me, I have been jerked around one-too-many times by the good old crew over in the Philosophy department at MSU. Trust me, I will be pulling NO punches in my description of that fiasco, especially considering the fact that I have the entire thing well documented.

So for the time being, just know that I am slowly but surely solving the problem, trying to be the better man, but taking no prisoners. This one has been a particularly nasty fight, but I have faith that I'll be the one coming out on top in the end. No homo.

Ok, yes homo.

<3
Peace

A New Day

So much is happening!

-I've recently signed with my first agent, Renee Glicker of About Artists Agency, or "Triple A", as I've been calling them, since hopefully they are going to give my career the much-needed roadside assistance it's been warranting.

-I am (hopefully) graduating from Montclair in May. I can't even discuss this right now. All I will say is that A) The worst thing to ever happen to me was getting a liberal arts education, and B) Montclair State University is a gallivanting, cursing, cut-throat bunch of highway robbers. But good Karma, I wish them well (-_-)

-I broke up with my boyfriend of about 7 months in April, and it's just been very difficult. Wishing him well, feeling guilty, and then lonely on top of it, so it's been a rough month.

Here's to hoping the coming days will bring resolution, good news, and more frequent blog posts =D

<3
Peace

And Isn't it Ironic...

Today was a very difficult day.

To tell someone you love them is both difficult and amazing. To tell them that you love them, but you are not in love with them is just difficult.

I'm a bit worn out. But if I've learned one thing today, it is that you must be honest with the people you love. Even when it is painful, it would be an injustice to them as well as to you not to share your feelings. Even though it hurts so badly right now, I have faith that we'll both come out of this one ok.

 <3
Peace

Love Is

Love is fleeting and quiet. It is healing and reaffirming. It is necessary. It is not vital. Love is constrained by limitlessness.

Right now, love is hiding.

<3
Peace

And He Comes Crawling Back...

I've decided, for a number of reasons, that I'd like to keep posting here for a while.

I switched to Tumblr for a while, but found that I was not as big a fan of its layout as I had been originally.

So what's new on the news front? Just about everything. I'm up to my eyeballs in stress, but staying positive. Preparing my rep book for the real world, taking 21 credits, trying to get a handle on myself as a performer, and making plans for the future.

Oh, and I've got a (mostly) new boyfriend, RJ, who is going with me to Provincetown in about 2 weeks.

Life could certainly be worse. I'll give you a more detailed post later!

<3
Peace

Everything in Life is Only For Now

So much is going on.

I'm now maintaining another blog (http://theactorknits.tumblr.com) which is a sort of sequel/prequel/same-time-equal to this blog. I think it's easier to follow/find people on Tumblr, and more of my friends are on there, so I started one. I'll be linking between the two when there are important posts.

Sweeney is over, and I'm a little sad that it came and went so quickly. How do you rehearse a show for two months and perform an entire run in less than a week? Seven shows- that's it. Seven shows in five days. And it's such a huge show, I would say I was only physically able to be fully present for four or five of them. What a workload. I still loved it, and it was one of my favorite performances to date.

There are so many stories, from getting to die onstage when they couldn't close the barber shop fast enough, to accidentally beating Vince (the actor playing Anthony) with my cane onstage. But the best stories are the ones that are practically not stories at all- they're moments. Moments when I felt alive onstage. Moments when I was pursuing an objective, living in my character's shoes. I can honestly say that I'm finally learning to live onstage and to work in a completely new way.

It's thrilling to know that I'm taking strides forward. I'm learning about myself as a performer every day. I'm so grateful for my amazing teachers and the people who have been so supportive. I know that I struggle with my ability to feel confident in myself, in a lot of ways. But I also know that I have to believe in myself, because if I can't, no one else will.

Who knows where the roads may lead me in my life, but I'm finally beginning to feel hopeful that they might go at least in the vicinity of where I'd planned. I guess I'll just have to ride the wave as far as I can.

<3
Peace

 

Glad, as Always, to Oblige My Friends and Neighbors...

Just had to post this picture of my UNBELIEVABLE costume in Sweeney Todd.

I know the posts have been sparse, but let me tell you, it's not because I've been lazy. On the contrary, I've been quite busy, but once we get to tech on Friday, maybe I'll post a few fun stories and anecdotes from recent events.

But how freaking cool is this costume??? Please ignore the laundry machines in the back, this was taken in the costume shop during a fitting...

Right?!?!?! Thank you Deb Otte for the most amazing costume ever. Seriously, the woman is a genius. I can't wait to post pictures in makeup/on the set. Once I get some production shots, I'll be sure to share.

<3
Peace

Way Ahead of My Time

I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 last night-

I know, everyone was unimpressed by the first one. RIGHT. Everyone came home saying, "Oh, that wasn't scary, I laughed the whole time" or, "Oh yeah, so unrealistic, whatever..." But you know, if even for a second, when you were laying in bed that night (that moment just after you turn the light off) you thought about whether or not you should leave your foot hanging near the edge of the bed...

Needless to say, I am a huge horror buff- but I am admittedly ALSO a scaredy-cat. I love to go see horror movies and then sit in bed at night with my eyes bloodshot and baggy. I will also admit that the first Paranormal Activity turned me into a whimpering twelve-year-old girl when that bitch got dragged down the hallway and the door slammed shut. Not only do I sleep with my door closed and locked, I sometimes leave the TV on a sleep timer, and will only hang my feet out of the blanket on the side of the bed closest to the wall. I know, I'm basically a child.

So you can only imagine my delight when the second one came out. I spent an hour convincing my friend Tom to go to the movies with me (since he's an even bigger wimp than I am), and finally set out to see the 10:15 show. Eleven dollars (whaaaaaaaaat???), a bag of popcorn, a soda, and two seats in a sparsely populated theater later, we were ready to cower into each other's arms and cry while people got thrown around by demons.

Unfortunately, this was not the case. And no- it is not because the movie was bad (not as good as the first, I'll admit, but how do you follow that? It's like being Patti LuPone's understudy- it's practically in the job description), but because of the three girls behind me. We all know the terrible stereotypes- gay people lisp, Asian people are good at math, Jews collect pennies... you get the drift. While I am NOT advocating or in any way trying to perpetuate racism, I have to be honest- black people need to stop talking in movie theaters.

I don't care about watermelon or fried chicken, we all love a good homestyle meal. But for the love of God, I did NOT pay eleven dollars to sit in the dark and listen to some fifteen year old girl narrate the movie.

"Mmm-mmm, I would NOT be stickin' around if I was her, I would be OUTTA THERE." I'm glad, now be quiet. "Why is she going up there??? Is she STUPID?" Probably, it's a horror movie, now be quiet. "LOOK AT THAT PAN! Why is that pan fallin' off da rack? Nobody's even THERE!" Yes, I see that... now be quiet.

What possesses people (No pun intended) to burst out in the middle of a room of strangers and start talking? Do they think that everyone else came to get their perspective on the unfortunate events of this movie? Have they been hired by movie executives to reinforce points of exposition in the plot? In short- WHO RAISED YOU PEOPLE??? There is nothing more irritating than being on the edge of my seat, waiting for that scary moment you know is coming, and hearing from behind you, "Hey, wasn't that orange juice she's holding practically empty the night before? HA, that's a mistake..." No, ma'am, you were- and no one wants to hear you talking.

So, now that I've had my little rant, I hope you won't think ill of me. I certainly own up to my own stereotypes, and I try to amend them when I can. I hope that somewhere those girls are quietly (psh) reflecting on their actions, and deciding that next time they will only talk during moments when the reel stops working, or during boring previews. If not, I hope they will invest in Netflix...

<3
Peace

Why Did I Start This Blog, Again?

... Oooooohhhhh right, cause I like to knit! So here's the deal-

I'm working on a new pattern for a brimmed flat-top hat. I had to take a break from the latest aran inspired scarf I've been working on (I'll post pictures soon), so I decided to be creative and make something of my own. I can't promise anything, but it's looking good so far!

If it works out, I'll be sure to post pictures and the pattern here!

Sweeney is exhausting, but amazing. Life is exhausting, but good. Love is... hard to come by, hard to ignore, and noticeably absent. Here's to hoping the universe is still churning for me...

<3
Peace

I Get By With A Little Help...

I'm exhausted- today was a very long day, with a lot going on. But I wanted to write a short blurb (ok, you know it's gonna be three pages long now) about my experience at rehearsal for Sweeney tonight.

This summer I felt so little validation. I was starting to feel like no one could see me- between everything that happened romantically, being rejected from Mount Washington, and overall feeling like I was a little invisible, I just couldn't stand the idea that I was like a ghost to so many people.

I know that my family and my close friends never allow me to go unnoticed, but I felt like onstage, offstage- it was all just like I was making it by the skin of my teeth. Tonight, though, I felt like my life has done a complete "180".

I have really committed to Sweeney. The whole process has just been so much fun for me- I'm learning every day about myself as a performer, and I've really allowed myself to make bold choices and to continue to grow onstage. I've embraced my character and done some really hard work. The point is, though, that over the last couple weeks I have spent serious time improving my skills as an actor, and I can see it paying off in the rehearsal room. I'm finally feeling like I'm doing great work, and the truth is that I've gotten a lot of positive feedback. People have been telling me how much they appreciate my work, how creepy I am, etc. And it's been so gratifying.

Tonight we ran the first act of the show for the first time all the way through. I felt so connected to my character, even when I felt like I was making choices that could go differently, I was making them as my character. At the end of the run, Jodi (the director, who has been so supportive and amazing) was giving notes, and actually took the time to make a statement about me. I can't remember the exact words verbatim, but she said to the whole company, "The thing I appreciate about his work is that I gave him this crazy, totally new take on this character and he's living in it. I can see when he's onstage that his brain is working, but as his character, and he's making choices. I appreciate that."

It's such a small comment, but as I'm sitting here getting ready for bed and letting it sink in, I'm so moved by the fact that she would take the time to let me know that she appreciates my hard work. It makes me want to work harder and go even farther with this amazing character. I've been so blessed with this opportunity, and I'm so grateful that apparently this little window into my crazy mind is some sort of vessel for the universe to help me find what I need.

Things are not perfect (are they ever?) but they are something so much better than perfect. I'm so grateful to be working on a project I'm passionate about. I'm humbled that someone is appreciating my hard work. I'm grateful to my amazing cast and crew for their hard work and support, and I'm so excited to be going through all of this with all of them. I haven't had such an amazing experience this far in my life onstage, and I'm just basking in it. Let the sunshine in =)

<3
Peace

Time Heals Everything

There has just been so much going on recently, I can't possibly describe it all.

Sweeney is going AMAZINGLY well- I have almost no complaints (except the fact that my song in the second act took some major cuts... wah wah), and everyone has just been doing such an amazing job. I can only hope it will continue to be as productive, creative, and energizing as it has been for the last two weeks.

I've been hanging out a lot with some friends that I haven't been able to spend as much time with in the past, and it's been so great. I love them so much- it's always nice to know that there are like-minded people in the world who are as crazy as I am =)

The only bad thing is I'm noticing more and more these days that everyone is kind of pairing off. It can be so hard sometimes being the single sister (and believe me, this is a role I've been playing longer than the barely-seen sidekick). It just makes me wish I could find someone to make me feel loved again- but on the same token, I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to force love, or try to make something happen that obviously isn't what I want it to be. It just makes me feel very lonely sometimes.

I've been listening to Liza's Carnegie Hall cd a lot, and found a song (ok, sort of mashup) that literally brought me to tears when I realized how closely it mirrored my life over the last few months. I wish I could post the song itself, but I don't know how... so I'll just leave you with some lyrics that have been breaking my heart recently:

I don't want him, you can have him.
He's not worth fighting for-
Besides, there's plenty more where he came from.
I don't want him, you can have him.
I'm giving him the sack-
And he can go right back where he came from.

I could never make him happy,
He'd be better off with you.
I don't think I ever loved him;
All I ever wanted to do was
Run my fingers through his curly locks,
Mend his underwear and darn his socks,
Fetch his slippers and remove his shoes,
Wipe his glasses while he read the news,
Rub his forehead with a gentle touch
Mornings after, if he's had too much,
Kiss him gently when he cuddles near,
[Be his baby all year every year],
So you see-
I don't want him, you can have him.
You can have him, I don't want him-
For he's not the man for me.

I would look a trifle silly taking him away from you.
That was never my intention,
All I ever wanted to do was
Close the window while he soundly slept,
Raid the ice box where the food is kept,
Fix a breakfast that would please him most,
Eggs and coffee, and some buttered toast,
Wake him gently with a breakfast tray,
After breakfast clear the things away,
Bring the papers in when they've been read,
Spend the balance of the day in bed-
So you see,
I don't want him, you can have him.
You can have him, I don't want him-
Fore he's not the man for me.

Time heals everything-
Tuesday, Thursday.
Time heals everything-
April, August.
If I'm patient, the break will mend,
And one fine morning the hurt will end.
So make the moments fly-
Autumn, winter.
I'll forget him by next year,
Some year.
Though it's hell that I'm going through,
Some Tuesday, Thursday,
April, August,
Autumn, winter,
Next year, some year-
Time heals everything.
Time heals everything,

So you see-
I don't want him, you can have him.
You can have him, I don't want him-
For he's not the man for me.

<3
Peace

The Butterfly

Today I watched the documentary "Paper Clips" about the middle school in Tennessee that collected paper clips in order to fully understand the largeness of a number like 6 million (which actually ended up being closer to 12 million)- the reason being that they could not imagine that number being applied to the mass genocide of the holocaust. It is a sincerely moving documentary, and I hope that you'll all watch it at some point. However, the most poignant moment in the film was a short quote that inspired me to find the poem it came from.

The quote was, "I never saw another butterfly"- it was a line written by a a survivor of the Teriz Jewish Ghetto (Inge Auerbacher). It is truly heartbreaking, especially in the context of the film, and I wanted to post the poem ("The Butterfly") here:

The last, the very last,
So richly, brightly, dazzlingly yellow.
Perhaps if the sun's tears would sing
against a white stone.

Such, such a yellow
Is carried lightly way up high.
It went away I'm sure because it wished to
kiss the world good-bye.

For seven weeks I've lived in here,
Penned up inside this ghetto.
But I have found what I love here.
The dandelions call to me
And the white chestnut branches in the court.
Only I never saw another butterfly.

That butterfly was the last one.
Butterflies don't live here,
in the ghetto.

<3
Peace 

The Origin of Love

I am so, so grateful to whoever is watching over me right now.

Of course, as is only natural I guess, I'm still feeling a little lonely without someone to be affectionate with. I got to thinking yesterday that I was so hoping to have someone I loved around Thanksgiving and Christmastime this year, and it made me a little sad to know that that might not be the case. Of course, you never know- there's still two months, right? I don't want to force anything, though, so I'm just gonna let the universe do its thing.

On the bright side, however, I have really gotten the ball rolling on Hedwig! What started off as another one of my hare-brained ideas that is all talk and never comes to fruition is actually working. I'm so excited about it, I can't stop thinking about it.

When we first got back to school I spoke to a good friend, Monica, about directing the show since I was going to be onstage and needed a pair of eyes to tell me how things look. I immediately thought of Monica because I remembered her saying some time ago that she felt she had a gift for directing and was interested in trying it. Monica watched the movie with me, I gave her the CD, and she agreed to come on board.

Excellent! So now I have a star and a director... what else do I need? How about the rights to the show? A set? Lights? A band? The rest of the cast? MONEY??? Oh God, can't do it on my own, I quickly realized. So luckily Debra Otte, the head of the technical theatre program at MSU, recommended that I speak to Pat, one of the stage managers, as he was interested in trying his hand at producing.

I've worked with Pat before, and we got along well enough, so I spoke to Pat, and he immediately signed on as well. In fact, Pat brought the idea to Myra, another member of the Production faculty who has been an equity stage manager on broadway for years, and she is also helping to guide the production a bit. We've slated a production meeting (what?!?!?!) for next Thursday at 2:30.

How did this little project I'd planned on doing COMPLETELY independently turn into something so much bigger? I could not be more excited for the direction that this is going in, and I'm just praying that at least the big things like attaining the rights and the space will go smoothly. As long as I have the permission to do it and a place to put it, I can deal with the stress of everything else. Here's to praying that everything turns out alright.

In the meantime, I've been trying my hand at things that I have never even thought of doing before- production meetings? Concept boards? Pitches? It is all so unbelievably invigorating, and I am just having the time of my life.

My concept for the show is completely new- I'm incorporating a video/interview style production element, so I have been going over the script like a THOUSAND times distinguishing which sections will be performed live and which will be done interview style with videos on a "screen" (a sheet stapled to a piece of wood with a projector). I have done so much work, and have put in so much effort, but it is just the most rewarding thing I've done in a long time.

I'm so excited to begin working on my projects again- it's been so long since I've been able to throw myself into anything, and now with Sweeney and Hedwig I'm just over the moon. The ONLY down side is that I feel for Hedwig I should probably tone up a bit and maybe lose a couple pounds, so I'll have to hit the gym a little more, but what's wrong with this.

Thank you universe, thank you loved ones, and thank you to all the strangers who might be reading this and putting good thoughts into the universe. Who knows why the hell any of this is happening, I just know that I'm so humbled and grateful to the world for letting me experience it.

<3
Peace

Attend the Tale...

Alright, I know I've been a little bit of a whiny bitch recently, but here's the good news- it's all over!

Last night I was talking to my very good friend Angelina who happens to also be in a bit of a rough spot. I was giving her advice because she and her ex-girlfriend were having issues, and the best advice I could give her was, "Maybe you need time away from her. You need to put her out of her head." And like a fucking light switch (as I'm always the last one to follow my own advice), I realized that I had to put all of this negativity out of my head.

Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of cutting Corey out of my life- I still very much enjoy his company and he's an amazing person, but I realized I have to stop romanticizing this whole situation. It's time to move on, and while the pangs are not 100% gone, I'm ready to take the next step and start enjoying my life again. And I realized as I was talking to Angelina that I had to start being my positive-self again. I kid you not, it was like instantly a cloud lifted.

So I was finally able to go to bed and sleep well (although I had the most TERRIBLE dream I think I've ever had... I don't really want to talk about it, but it was actually a bit horrifying, and can probably be attributed to my finally letting go of Corey emotionally). And now today, it was like things were completely different- I was finally able to see all the amazing things going on around me.

1- I know I was bitter about my auditions, but guess what? I was cast as the Beadle in Sweeney Todd! Finally a supporting lead onstage in the Kasser- a big show, a big set, a great part, and LINES/SONGS! So amazing, I'm literally on cloud 9 today after finding out. A much needed boost of confidence =)

2- Julie, the acting teacher from Yale Drama whose class I was DEVASTATED to be missing, announced that she would be dividing the class into two sections to make it available to the students who couldn't get in before... aka, ME. So exciting! Julie is just the most amazing teacher, and I can't wait to learn as much as I possibly can from her.

3- Spoke to Mary English, who is teaching Theater History... the class I couldn't fit in my shedule, and she told me I could get a permit! So I'm getting that out of the way.

4- I don't have to take Scott Richards' acting class again, since when I took it two years ago I never officially signed up. Today, after speaking with him, we decided I could just sign up for the class and he would give me a grade.

All this good news in one day? How is that FUCKING possible??? I'll tell you- put good vibes out there, people. Think positive thoughts, and I swear to God (whom I am graciously thankful toward at the moment) it comes back to you. We all have our moments, Lord knows I've had mine recently, and that's ok. But don't forget that the fog will pass, and when you're ready the world will conspire for you.

I am so unbelievably grateful for the friends and family who have been there for me recently when it was so difficult, to this amazing director (Jodi Capeless) who is taking a chance on me, God, the universe, and whatever powers that be that have made today such a relief from what was otherwise a miserable moment in my life. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

Now I have to hop in the shower- dinner and drinks with Adam and Chelsea tonight to celebrate. I just got back from the gym, so I am a sweaty mess, but I couldn't be happier.

<3
Peace

If Love Were All

It has been rough. I'm so, so sorry that all of the latest blog posts have been so miserable, but I figure if there's anywhere to let it all out, it's here, right?

So I've been back at school a little less than a week, and it's just been so hard for me. Every day I think it'll be easier to see Corey, and every day I'm wrong- and I can't stop thinking about him. He's at every party, every audition, his statuses always pop up on facebook, and I just wish more than anything I could put him out of my mind. I think (and I was discussing this with my best friend today) that I need a rebound- which might not seem entirely fair, which is why I'm not rushing into anything with anyone, but it's true. Right now, I feel like I need someone to remind me that there are other guys out there and I can stop being over-dramatic.

I miss my friends SO much. Every day I wake up and my heart just hurts. I always feel like a miserable lump, missing the people who aren't here and wishing things were different. My auditions were terrible because I've been in this fog (which is making me think it's the ensemble again for Sweeney Todd this semester, if I'm even cast!), and I come home every day after class (the ones I go to, anyway) and just climb back into bed for a few hours. What worries me is that even after a 4 hour nap, I'll still go to bed at 1am and sleep through the night. I'm starting to worry that this is actually a serious bout of depression, and short of going to a therapist, I'm not really sure what to do with myself.

I don't know- the only thing getting me through is the daily screening I have in my bedroom of "Elaine Stritch at Liberty", listening to her sing sad songs and then crying until I fall asleep. All the MGM heroines would be so proud of me...

Here's to hoping tomorrow's a better day... positive thoughts! I'm really trying, I promise...

<3
Peace

I believe in doing what I can,
Crying when I must,
Laughing when I choose.
Heigh-ho, if love were all,
I would be lonely.

I believe the more you love a man,
The more you give your trust,
The more you're bound to lose.
Although,
When shadows fall,
I think, 'If only somebody splendid really needed me."
Someone affectionate and dear.
Cares would be ended if I knew that he
Wanted to have me near.

But I believe that since my life began
The most I've had is just a talent to amuse.
Heigh-ho,
If love were all...